Diary of a Teenage Nobody

27th April 1985 (Saturday)

2010-04-27T12:27:00.000+10:00

One minor change at work this morning. I start quarter of an hour earlier & Kell finishes quarter of an hour later. My times used to be 8:30 - 12:00 & Kelly's were 8:15 - 11:45 but now we're both 8:15 - 12:00. I don't mind at all.

Then after work I had to wait while Melissa played netball. So I took my homework with me. Didn't do much though. I wrote a bit more of my English speech then wrote a letter to David. Then I tried to go to sleep because I was unusually tired (I did all this in the car). And when we got home I had a 2 hour sleep. So by the time I woke up I didn't have much time to do all the homework I wanted to get done before we went to Mass at Ridgehaven. I didn't do any when we got home either because I watched "Hey, Hey, It's Saturday." Unreal show!!

26th April 1985 (Friday)

2010-04-27T12:23:00.000+10:00

Today's the kind of day which seemed to drag on forever because so many different things happened.

Karina wasn't at school today because she had a Geography excursion. That means half of the grade 12s weren't there. Plus, the zone football trials were held at our school so we had teachers missing and lessons watching football etc. So today was pretty jumbled. Anyway I got half of my English speech for Monday written. I saw the Guidance Officer today about Ancient History but he hasn't seen my teacher yet so I'll have to see him again on Monday.

After lunch we had double English but our teacher was away so we had a study first then we watched football. I couldn't pick out any exceptionally good looking guys. When I was waiting at the bus turn-around after school I was standing next to a footballers' bus. I wish I was pretty because they were calling out to all the pretty girls and I just stood there looking ugly. And I got myself all depressed, and wouldn't talk to Joanne on the bus. But then I complained to her about me being so ugly & such a dag. And she was really terrific. She really made me feel better. Mainly because we were mucking around. We have a lot of fun when we muck around, but that's not very often anymore because of Kate (yes, you detect a sign of resentment).

Anyway, to make my good mood even better, I found another letter for me when I got home. But, surprise, surprise, it wasn't from Ann or Yoko or Paul O'Leary or even Eric, but Paul Street!! I was quite surprised because I didn't even write to him first. A guy actually wrote to me without me writing first!!! I was stunned. But it wasn't a very exciting letter. Although he did have one point of interest, David Parker. In my letter to Eric I told him to say a special hi to David etc. Paul read Eric's letter and told me David said to say hi to me and he'll write to me IF (of course) I write first. And you can be sure I will!! In Eric's letter I also told him to tell Paul I was first for the deb. But in Paul's letter he said he already knew. Don't know how. But that's something I can ask when I write back.

Deb practice was great tonight. It's really fun. I love it!!

I paid my deposit for the ski trip today. I'm going to the Snowies with the school in August!!! It should be fantastic!

25th April 1985 (Thursday)

2010-04-27T11:10:00.000+10:00

This morning, I, amazingly, did some homework. I did some Maths. But I didn't do anything else until Mrs Willett picked us up at 12:30 for musical practice (by the way, today is ANZAC Day, so there's no school). Practice went until 5:00 from 1:00. Marcus (Geoff's friend) also went in with us. The practice was really fun. I thought I was only in two scenes but I discovered I'm in four. And I sing two songs. Not solos, of course, only in the chorus. Anyway, by the time we got home at 5:30 I didn't feel like doing anything, so I didn't. Mum brought us home.

24th April 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-04-27T11:08:00.000+10:00

Today was very busy. First of all we had sport. I didn't take my racquet so I was going to do some Maths. But instead I wrote a letter to Eric from Karina (she dictated). I told her to put stuff in about David Parker.

After that we had a committee meeting. We just wrote down ideas for the newspaper. It should be good if we do it right.

Then I had musical practice after school. Not many people turned up which was maddening because we go on stage in four weeks!! And it's not very far advanced.

Then the good news for the day. When I got home I found a letter from Eric. This is totally amazing because he posted mine at noon yesterday and he would have got mine yesterday after he sent his. We even wrote them on the same day. And we wrote a letter to him today. That's three co-incidences.

This morning Karina & I had to put up the flag at assembly because we had an army captain coming to talk to us about ANZAC Day tomorrow. And because we were the closest people around we were the ones who got sucked in. Total embarrassment!!

Tonight I started sewing my jamies. I almost finished the top & it's very late & I'm very tired. So, goodnight.

23rd April 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-04-27T10:59:00.000+10:00

Today was very uninteresting. Mum saw the Guidance Officer today. And I got out of one lesson of Accounting to go down. I still don't know it I can drop Ancient History or not. He has to talk to my teacher to see if I'm likely to fail or pass. I hope I'll probably fail because then I can drop it. I really hate Ancient History so much. It's all above my level of comprehension.

I had musical practice today. My part is not as easy as I thought. It's pretty difficult being a cool, sophisticated, criminal.

We had our first communications committee meeting with the teacher today. He suggested putting out a real newspaper. Not like the previous ones which were just photocopied foolscap sheets about grade 12s mainly. This year we're going to set it out like a real newspaper and have articles about all grades so it involves everyone. We're even getting the the local newspaper to print it.

Other than this, nothing happened today.

22nd April 1985 (Monday)

2010-04-27T10:55:00.000+10:00

Life's a drag! Nothing's going well at the moment. I find when no body pays any attention to me I try to attract it to myself. I get into crazy moods and laugh a lot and do crazy & stupid things. I appear to be happy but it's only a front. I feel dumb because I act stupid. I know how I act is wrong and so does everyone else. I'm not saying I act silly like the tough, rough girls and I don't attract the attention of everyone around me. Only maybe my friends. But I feel so bad because I know I'm deceiving myself. I act happy when I know damn well I'm miserable. It's guys who get me down. Nick, David, Bevan and Mathew and all those guys used to talk to us a lot, but now we may as well be 'incredible, invisible women'.

We were supposed to have musical practice today but Mr Woodworth was away.

Mum went to see our Guidance Officer today to see about me dropping Ancient History. But he wasn't there so she'll have to see him tomorrow.

I got to school very early today. Mum went to Brisbane & dropped me off on the way. I wanted to go to the library to work on my term paper. I went to the library but I didn't work on my term paper.

21 April 1985 (Sunday)

2010-04-21T11:26:00.000+10:00

Nothing exciting happened today. I didn't go anywhere, do anything etc. Danny came out this morning. Our neighbour came up with her very recent future daughter-in-law to give us flowers for having the men here. Last night after the wedding their son told them he's getting married, in America! That was big excitement for everyone.

I still didn't do any homework. I'll write a letter to Eric and go to bed.

20th April 1985 (Saturday)

2010-04-21T11:22:00.000+10:00

Work was pretty OK this morning. It was cold though. the cold weather has just hit us all of a sudden.

Mum & Dad had another wedding today. The next door neighbour's daughter. The men got dressed here & they used Aunty Kaye & Uncle Frank's car.

Nothing else happened today. I didn't do any homework, of course.

19th April 1985 (Friday)

2010-04-21T11:20:00.000+10:00

Things are not going well with Nick. But as I said, I don't really care. We got our reports today. Mine was very average.

Deb practice was the highlight of my day. I was hoping that because I'm Aunty Kaye's niece it would give me a bit more attention. but it didn't really. I went with Aunty Kaye & Lenore because Mum & Dad are very special tongiht and have gone to the state reception for the Duke & Duchess of Kent!! Anyway, back to the practice. The first thing taht hppened was a draw for the order of presentation of the debs. I was sor of hoping I was first (more attention) and I WAS!! I nearly died! But I'm kind of glad in a way. The preactice was really fun. I was hoping it would be. But then it had to be with Aunty Kaye & Lenore. I adore them both. We (Aunty Kaye & I) went back to Lenore's place and had a cup of tea. Theyr'e erealy great. They make me feel like an adult.

Disappointment for the night: Wayne Long (school captain, really cute, Trish's partner) came to practice but after practice was over found out the ball was in the holidays and he's going on a school trip then. Aunty Kaye was shattered because he was coming along very well and she really liked him.

18th April 1985 (Thursday)

2010-04-21T11:09:00.000+10:00

Nothing's important anymore except for school. Guys are the least of my worries right now. they drive me crazy so I'm forgetting all about them.

I had my piano lesson this afternoon. I didn't do enough practice. I'm just born lazy!

17th April 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-04-21T11:07:00.000+10:00

I laughed a lot today which means I had a good day, until lunch time anyway. David talked to us today!! It was really great. I do still like him. And a lot more than Nick! David's perfect (to me anyway). There isn't a thing about him I don't like. Except maybe his green eyes. But that's not important. I only wish it could be like today every day. We only spoke to him for one lesson but it was great! He's so different to Nick. He's not obsessed with sex. Wendy told me that when he was going with Janine he used to send her flowers for her birthday, and did romantic things like that. I think that's really beautiful. Not many guys these days would do something like that. The reason Janine and David broke up was because Janine didn't want to get too serious and David was. I think (I can't be sure) that Janine took David for granted. He needs someone who would appreciate him. And, of course, I would be just the right person. I wish he had the same opinion!

Nick went away to play sport today. He plays cricket. He didn't say much to us today but then we didn't see him much.

16th April 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-04-21T11:00:00.000+10:00

Today was mostly occupied with Nick. I don't know what to think about him! He's obsessed with sex. In English (first lesson) our teacher was away so we wrote notes to Nick. It went something like this:

Darling Nick,
How are ya going, love? Put your hair on the side again tomorrow so I can call you cutie.
Love Tara

Nick (cutie-pie),
What are you doing today? If you've got $15 I'm free at lunch time.
Love Karina

Come to Mr Dean's (new teacher) party and I can share you both for about $50.
Nick

Nick,
Sorry, I've just remembered I'm busy Sunday. Maybe some other time.
Love Karina

I'm free!!!
Love Tara

I'll give you this and much more at the party.
Love Nick

If you define 'more' I'll think about it.
Love Tara

It depends on what mood I'm in and how much drink I can get.
Nick

I'm all yours, tiger.
Love Tara

I'll show you my manliness at the party.
Love Nick

Is that possible?
Karina

End of note. I was just mucking around and that's not 'typical me'. I was being 'daring' writing that. But that's definitely 'typical Nick'. He's always like that. I wish he could talk about something else. All he ever talks about is what I previously mentioned or school. Unusual combination, but it's true! I don't know what he thinks of me but I prefer not to think about that. I only like to consider my feelings for guys instead of getting myself all worried about how they feel about me. It's impossible to know unless they're asked and that ruins everything so, it's better forget it!

I had musical practice at lunch time. It went fairly well.

Joanne and I got along alright today. She was more friendly towards me today.

Wendy Harvey gave Geoff and me a letter about the church youth group. I'm really interested in going. I think it would be great. I found out something very interesting today. It's about when we went to the movies with youth group. Wendy & I were the oldest on the bus (apart from the driver) so 'we' mainly Wendy, were supervisors. So we sat at the back and I happened to sit next to Mark McKenzie. He's in grade 10 and goes to the Catholic high school in a neighboring town. Anyway, he's very cute and has a lot of adoring little girlfriends. And one happened to mention "how close that girl was sitting next to him" to Wendy. I thought that was extrememly funny. Little girls are jealous of me sitting next to a little boy two years younger!

Melissa saw her teacher that plays football today and asked how his knee is. He said it's not good. He's had two operations and is having physio and they'll see if he can play in a month. But there's no promises. It's really disappointing for everyone. He's cute too!! Melissa said hello to him from me today. I didn't even tell her to!

15th April 1985 (Monday)

2010-04-21T10:34:00.000+10:00

I was in such a hurry this morning. I got Dad to wake me up before he went to the dairy so I could finish my Accounting assignment but I went back to sleep and didn't wake again until 7:15. I didn't quite get it finished but I finished it at school. Only to find out our teacher gave us until Wednesday. But at least I've finished. I didn't even have breakfast this morning, and had to starve until morning tea. I only had a muesli bar and Nick ate half of it anyway. Once school starts after holidays, it doesn't even feel like I've had a break. But it was fairly good to get back to school. Karina and I are getting along just great. I can't say the same about Joanne, though. I realized that I can either like Joanne OR Karina. I can't handle the two of them at the same time. It's strange, I know. But they're both so different. They're completely opposite. My whole way of thinking has to change between Joanne and Karina and I just can't live like that. I feel like a split personality. It has to be one way or the other. That means Joanne or Karina. And Karina's ideas and values are more like mine than Joanne's. Maybe Joanne will change one day. Who knows? But right now she's not going to influence me. Which is really what she was doing when Karina & I weren't talking. Kari and I had a talk about it today and she's not sore at me or anything. It's really great.

I feel very guilty at the moment. We got our Maths tests back and I (amazingly) passed! But not by as much as I did. What I mean is my teacher added it wrong, and I gained 2 1/2 marks extra. I got 23/40 instead 20 1/2 / 40. Karina wasn't very pleased with me. She got 20 but scabbed another 1/2 mark. So we really were equal but mine said a higher mark. She wanted me to tell him but I do bad enough so any extra's I can get I'd rather keep them.

David's really snobbing us. He never said a thing to us all day. Nick is great though he came and said hello. He's always, well, 'all over me' sort of. But I know he doesn't like me because he's always suggesting guys to me. Like anyone who walks by he says ,'There goes one for you, Tara." I can't work him out.

14th April 1985 (Sunday)

2010-04-21T10:23:00.000+10:00

Boring day today. I watched TV for the most part of it. I was trying to catch up on my Maths homework at the same time but I still haven't done it all. Karina rang me today about our Accounting assignment which I haven't done but I couldn't help her. She didn't sound very happy on the phone. Maybe she doesn't like me as much anymore. Who knows? Anyway I guess I'll find out tomorrow.

We went to mass at Hilldale tonight. It was very good tonight. We had a change. An absolutely gorgeous missionary priest did the sermon. It was a very good and interesting and he was so cute! Funny too. Joanne was there and I tried to be friendly but she wasn't really interested in talking to me anyway so I went to the car, again. Seems to be becoming a popular pastime of mine.

When we got home I tried my Accounting assignment (it's a computer programming assignment). Nick had done it for me but he forgot a few lines and it took me awhile to get it right. I still haven't written it up yet. I'll have to get up early to get it finished.

Well, school again tomorrow. I really wish we still had another week of holidays so I could get some work done. But I probably wouldn't anyway so it doesn't really matter.

13th April 1985 (Saturday)

2010-04-21T10:11:00.000+10:00

Kelly was at work this morning and (amazingly) feeling fine. She said she was a good girl and didn't drink much last night.

Today we were a tourist attraction. (Not really but it sounds good). Aunty Marie and Uncle Warren (who drives a bus for a tour company) brought a bus load to tour the farm. It's so exciting when there's a bus load of over 80's or under 10's! I've always dreamt about people coming and 'touring' the farm and now it's really happened.

Tonight was the biggest disaster. Honestly, I can't understand why I go out at all. I've written about so many disasters in my diary that anyone would think I should have learned a lesson by now. I wish I'd just be sensible and STAY HOME!! Of course I'm talking about Jo's brother Steven's party. At first I thought it would be pretty good because Jo and I are 'good friends' (supposedly). But then I found out Kate was going also. I thought that wouldn't be too bad because Jo, Kate and I get along OK. So I thought I wouldn't get left out too much. BUT, I was wrong!! Half the time I may as well have not even been there. And to make it worse Kate was staying at Joanne's place, which makes them forget about me. I felt so terrible. I tried following them around for awhile, but that didn't work. They kept getting drinks and didn't even ask if I'd like one. But I guess they thought "daggy, goody-goody" Tara wouldn't want any. So I ended up going inside and watching "Hey, Hey It's Saturday" until 12 o'clock. Then we (me & Melissa) went back out to find them all raging away. They were all dancing and having a great time. And I just felt even more left out. So I went to the car. But my favourite song came on and so I decided to go back and join them. Karen (a hairdresser who is a year older than me and used to go on our bus) made me feel just great! She came up to me and put her arm around me and said, "C'mon, what's your name?" and had to ask Joanne what my name was. Well, if I didn't already feel like a nobody!! Who am I anyway? What am I doing here? I don't even know what I want, or what I should be doing, or wearing, or saying, or anything! Everyone was so trendy tonight apart from daggy old me. But Mum thinks I'm over fashionable! That's a laugh. I don't know what to do. What Mum says or follow my friends!?! I don't even know if I want to be like them. But I feel awful if I'm not. All I want is to be like everyone else and for everyone to know me and like me. But I'm only Tara Benning, a nobody. What am I supposed to do? I'm so confused!! Who am I! I don't know who I am!

12th April 1985 (Friday)

2010-04-12T11:47:00.000+10:00

We went shopping today. Just Mum & I. We went to Gardams and they had exactly the dress I had been wanting. I tried it on and it did suit me although it was a bit big. We bought all the material for it and the gloves. They look so tiny but they stretch to fit. Mum wasn't looking forward to buying the shoes because I've got such a tiny foot and coming into winter, white's not such a popular colour. So she didn't fancy our chances. But, oddly enough, the first pair I tried on fitted perfectly and I loved them. And as a bonus they weren't too expensive. Then we went to look for a pair of baggies for me. I usually have trouble finding jeans to suit me because I'm only short (and fat). But the third pair I tried on were really great. Of course I have to be different though, no ordinary size will do me. I got size 9!! Then, of course we had to go to Palings. We can't go to Brisbane without going to Palings. I bought Olivia's latest album in written music for the piano. I played some this afternoon. They aren't very good on piano but they're OK.

Joanne rang me this afternoon. She wants the Nik Kershaw tape for Steven's party tomorrow night. So I'll take it when we go. I spoke with her for quite a while but I wouldn't have a clue how long.

11th April 1985 (Thursday)

2010-04-12T11:14:00.000+10:00

I'm so lazy!! I did nothing today except go to my piano lesson and I did some taping for Joanne. At my lesson my teacher was telling me about a friend of theirs who's a male model and works on The New Price Is Right. She said he's also appeared on Star Search as a spokes model. He may have been going to their place this afternoon but of course I missed him!

I read a lot today. I've only got one chapter left of the book I started this morning. I'll finish it before I go to sleep. It's late though and I have to be up early in the morning because we're going shopping in Brisbane for deb stuff.

10th April 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-04-12T11:00:00.000+10:00

I went to the chiropractor this morning. He said my back wasn't too bad but my neck was pretty stiff. I went to a new one, he was really good. I used to go to one at Sunnybank but it's a bit far to go.

I wrote to Ann and Paul & Yoko (in the same letter). I hope they write back soon. I'll have to write to Eric soon, when school starts.

This afternoon I had a very bad headache and was very tired. I was kind of hoping I'm getting glandular fever but I feel alright now so it was probably nothing.

We all watched the football tonight because our teacher was playing for Valleys. He has been for awhile but we only just recently know him. Melissa has him for metal work and he's her favourite teacher. Geoff has him for a study and he thinks he's great. But the bad thing is he was injured and had to be taken off the field. He received a knee injury. I hope it's not too bad. He'll probably be back at school on crutches next Monday.

9th April 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-04-12T10:26:00.000+10:00

Something different today. We went to town! We all had dentists appointments. I was sure I was going to get another filling, but lucky for me, I was wrong. I got some material to make winter jamies, too. I love sewing. Geoff had a haircut today and I saw Kelly at the hairdresser's. I saw Nick, too. He came over to talk to me. He was on his lunch break from the supermarket. I don't know if I like him or not. I'm always looking for him at school and we get on very well. But I think friendship will have to satisfy me. We went up to Grandma's for awhile also. When we got home I went to sleep in front of the TV for 1 1/2 hours. I am always tired lately. We went to the town library to look for term paper information. I only found one book. Other grade 12's must have the good ones. I also borrowed two novels.

I cut Melissa's hair again tonight, shorter at the back. I also cut mine and got Mum to trim the back. It's almost all one layer at the back now. While Mum was cutting mine she told me not to be too fashionable. "The ball's coming up and a conservative style would look much better." My hair is very conservative! I like to be fashionable but it's by no means over done. And while I was in the shower Mum told Melissa not to be too outlandish with her hairstyles. I'd hardly call a short 'bob' outlandish!

8th April (Monday)

2010-04-08T11:19:00.000+10:00

Didn't do much today. I woke up really late (9.00) which I hate doing. I had a very strange dream this morning, just before I woke up. We were on a grade 12 camp but it was here which wasn't here (if you get what I mean). We were locked up in a room, it was like a jail cell but a bit more comfortable. Every time a boy and girl were caught doing anything they were locked up. I was caught wih Nick. Our room had almost every girl in the camp in it. But the strange thing was that when parents came to pick us up we didn't want to leave. We really enjoyed it in there. Karina and Roselise were there. And most of the girls in our grade. Weird!!

I did a Home Ec. title page, for the last unit! I'll do this unit's tomorrow. I did my piano practice (slightly). I made a doll's dress. I was in a sewing mood. I watched a bit of TV (not much). I played computer games. I jumped on the trampoline. I didn't play tennis. And that's about all for today.

7th April 1984 (Easter Sunday)

2010-04-07T11:19:00.000+10:00

We got Easter eggs today! I'm fat and pimply enough already, imagine what I'll look like after Easter!! And I have to go to the dentist on Tuesday.

We had Easter lunch at Nan's today. Relatives came up again. The people there were Nan's sister, her husband, their son, his wife, their two children, Nan's other sister, her daughter, her husband (and a teacher at school), their four children, Aunty Cor, Owen & Trent, Aunty Kaye, Uncle Frank, Nan, Kevin, Dad, Mum, Geoff, Melissa and ME!

We played tennis again today! We've got the 'get fit bug'.

Mass was at Ridgehaven tonight. Eric & Paul were there. So was Joanne & Kate. Also David Parker and Craig Timbs, they both go to boarding school and I used to like them too (at different times of course!).

Geoff reckons I think 99% of the population is cute. I don't, that's not possible because only about 52% are male and I don't really go for anything else! Eric told David I think he's a cutie (I told him) and he blushed. So Eric said, but that doesn't mean much.

6th April 1985 ( Saturday)

2010-04-07T11:05:00.000+10:00

Janelle Dryden came up to Nan's today because her mother had to go out (her mother is Nan's hairdresser). We know her because she goes on the bus and we talk to her a fair bit. She's a year older than Melissa. Melissa and I had to entertain her!?! I did a good job. I went to sleep for a few hours. I was really tired! We played tennis again (Janelle came too). I won again.

We went to a dance tonight. It wasn't as good as I thought. Not many young people went. Eric & Paul and Jo & Kate were the only ones I knew. I only had 3 dances. Two with Paul and one with Eric. Eric asked me why I hadn't written but he wasn't angry. He told me someone told him about me & Karina fighting but wouldn't tell me who. He eventually did. It was Arlene. Scott Brady went to the dance too. (I used to like him). I told Jo & Kate he was cute and he saw us all looking at him. He didn't know what was happening. But after that he kept looking at me, he probably thought I was a jerk!

Today was really great because it was the first Saturday in months I haven't had to work! I got to watch Saturday Jukebox. I cut Melissa's hair today.

5th April 1985 (Friday)

2010-04-05T10:51:00.000+10:00

First day of holidays and boy did it feel good!

It's Good Friday so we went to Stations of the Cross at Ridgehaven this morning.

After we came home I did some cooking. I made chocolate fudge and caramels. The fudge worked OK but my caramels always have to be scouped out of the tray with the fingers.

Melissa and I had a game of tennis after that. I beat her 6-1 but that's understandable because I'm older and I play a lot more often.

Mrs Street rang Mum tonight to say they're going to the dance tomorrow night. She also said the Brother at the college won't allow Paul home every week for practices. We already assumed that. I'm glad really because I don't like Paul very much.

4th April 1985 (Thursday)

2010-04-04T10:46:00.001+10:00

Holidays are finally here! But it's not for long and I've got a lot to do so they'll unfortunately fly past. I only got 8.20 for my Ancient History assignment. My TE score will be so bad I'll have to repeat.

I'm talking to Karina again. I went up to her and sat with her in Maths. I apoligized. She was a bit surprised but she forgave me. We are best friends it's dumb to fight. And it was me who wasn't talking.

Karina likes Nick now not David. I've gone off David too but I only like Nick as a friend. We get on really well. I can tell him my problems and he's really easy to talk to. I didn't see David at all today. Well, only for a few seconds. He said hi to us. He had trials for some sport away from school. But at the moment I couldn't be bothered with guys.

We had a fire drill at school today. They're dumb. If there was a real fire everyone would think it's only a drill so they'd go slow and probably get burnt in the process. At least we got out of Biology.

I didn't go to my piano lesson this afternoon because I haven't practised all week and it would have been a waste of time. So, I have to go in the holidays, next week.

3rd April 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-04-03T10:25:00.000+10:00

I'm still not talking to Karina. I don't know what to do. I think I should really apologize because it's me that's not talking to her. I'm hanging around with Roselise at the moment. I like it though, when I can talk to anyone and sit with anyone in class because I feel I'm not tied to one person. And I can talk to all my friends and make more friends. But if I really have to talk to someone, there's Jo. She's still my closest friend. I'm also fairly good friends with Kate, too. She's really nice!

I didn't talk to David at all today. Maybe I should say, he didn't talk to me! But I don't care. Now I'm finding more friends I don't care about guys. Last night instead of dancing with Karina I was with Cindy and Carolyn and had a great time. If I had have been with Karina I probably would have got depressed about guys. And now instead of sitting with Karina in Maths, English, Biology and Acounting I sit with Helen in Maths, Roslyn in English & Biology and Donna or Trish or Kelly in Accounting.

I only failed my Ancient History assignment by 1/2 a mark! I was very surprised. I thought I'd do much worse.

We had musical practice from the end of lunch until 5:00 this afternoon. We read the script straight through. The play is really funny. It should be great. And instead of having 6 lines I found out I have 9. I can't act though. I want to be an actress but I'd never make it. So I guess I just have to be satisfied with a brilliant singing career.

2nd April 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-04-02T10:23:00.002+10:00

I'm not talking to Karina.

Term dance - unreal! I had nothing to do with guys and I really enjoyed myself. I was dancing with Rose, Cindy and Carolyn. We went crazy and I loved it. David didn't go which was really good because I couldn't get depressed.

1st April 1985 (Monday)

2010-04-01T10:23:00.000+10:00

I only got caught once about being an April Fool today. But it was by the best person. Of course I'm talking about David. He told me my senior badge was upside down.

We had our cross country this afternoon. The whole school had to do it. We got out of double Maths which is good and bad. Good because I hadn't done my homework and bad because it's the only subject I have with David.

Joanne and Kate (Jo's friend) ran up to me right at the beginning of the course today and almost immediately after they did Karina and Karen Barry ran ahead and left me behind. I thought that was extremely nice of her! She's really getting on my nerves but I can't do anything about it because she's the only person I hang around with. Maybe I should hang around with Nick (and David!!) but I've got a feeling he's getting sick of me talking to him all the time. But anyway, I had to run (or should I say walk) the whole course with Jo & Kate. Not that I minded, they're really great. But I felt really left out because Peter caught up with us and was walking with Jo and David Jackson was walking with Kate. (I obviously was imagining that he liked me!). When we got back to school I snobbed Karina as much as possible but that wasn't hard because David was with us. He was talking to me more than usual and Nick wasn't even with him. They ran past us on the cross country but didn't sop for long because they wanted to run all the way. Bu David doesn't care less about me. Why do I do this? I wish I could control my emotions. I'd make sure I never fell in love again!

Ann wrote to me today. She's keeping herself busy with work and school and she also has friend problems. I wish I could go over and see her. It's always great to hear from her.

I got 39/50 for Accounting and only 17/30 for the process part of the Biol. exam. That's a total of 37/60 for the whole exam.

31st March 1985 (Sunday)

2010-03-31T12:03:00.000+10:00

I didn't do much today except my Ancient History assignment. I really hate Ancient History. It's so hard! It's supposed to be a 1500 word assignment but mine is only about 550 words. I'll probably fail but it's better than geting zero. I wasn't going to do it at all but I decided I should.

Aunty Cor brought Nan home today. Nan's been down at Aunty Coralie's for two weeks. Trent came up but Owen didn't. Caitlyn and Melissa also come. Today I cut Caitlin's, Aunty Cor's and Melissa's (Benning) hair.

We went to Mass at Ridgehaven again tonight.

Uncle Coin is councillor again. He got 490 votes and the other candidate only got 263. Brisbane has a new Lord Mayor, Sally-Anne Atkinson. Mum and Dad are pleased becuase she's Liberal and this family is very much anti Labor party.

I can't wait to see David tomorrow (Charles not Jackson). But I'm afraid that nothing will ever happen between us. I'm the one pushing again and nothing ever happens when it's me who likes the guy first.

30th March 1985 (Saturday)

2010-03-30T01:15:00.000+10:00

Kelly wasn't at work this morning. I'm not pleased! She drinks a little too much. Julie worked with me. David Jackson took Julie's place on the fruit machine. It's a very boring job, I used to work down there. It's close to the deli so when David wasn't busy he came up to talk to me. It's a little surprising because we've never spoken before. I could be imagining it, but I get the impression he likes me. He kept staring at me from the fruit machine and he did talk to me a lot. He's a year younger but he's very cute.

My 'favourite' cousin Elizabeth picked me up from work! The local elections were held today and Uncle Colin (Elizabeth's father, already the councillor) was standing again. The voting was held at the school (700m away) and Mum, Dad and Liz were handing out how-to-vote cards. Liz got very bored so she came to pick me up. She's OK when I'm talking with her. I mean, we get along alright when we're together but I'm pretty sure she'd say things about me behind my back, just as I do to her.

I tried to do my Ancient History assignment today but I can't. I really want to drop A.H. but the guidance officer won't let me.

I got a very dull letter from Paul Street again today.

28th March 1985 (Thursday)

2010-03-29T13:14:00.000+10:00

I've nearly finished my English assignment due in tomorrow. It will be done. I got 26/30 for the content part of the Biology exam. I had my piano lesson this afternoon and Mum went visiting so I had to wait for her for about 20mins.

Well, I've really blown it with David. This morning Nick and David were talking about some girl and David, and we were right there so we thought it was a setup. We got very angry. We asked Bevan if David knew I liked him and Bevan said he did. He said Roselise told him. Anyway David is not really talking to me. What a bummer!

I got a very minor part in the musical. Miss Smith, a detective. I've only got 7 lines plus I'm in the chorus.

27th March 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-03-29T13:03:00.000+10:00

Today was a total disaster. The two things I wanted so badly were both just dreams of an unimportant person trying to think big. What made me think I'd ever get the school captain or a lead in the musical? I must be blind, dumb & stupid. I was called to see our music teacher, Mr Woodworth, at morning tea from parade this morning. There were 7 of us called. I was hoping it would be because we were being given main roles. I was partly right but mostly wrong. We had to read lines from the play and our teacher gave about 3 parts to some girls but nothing to me. I was feeling worse & worse until he said he had 3 he wanted for the main role. I was one!!! The other two were Jenny Johnson & Marion Rigby. He made us read and sing and read again and he still couldn't decide. I went through sport feeling ecstatic because I thought for some stupid reason that I had the part. But at lunch Roselise went to see Mr Woodworth to ask what it was he said he had in mind for her. She got a minor role but a good one. She's a sophisticated secretary and she sings a solo! (Everyone knows she has a horrible voice). Karina also got a role and she asked to be taken off the list. She doesn't have a speaking role but it's better than only a chorus part. And Mr Woodworth had a part for me as well. He asked me to play the DOG!! Everything just suddenly didn't matter after that. All my hopes were shattered. My heart seemed to break into a million pieces. The disappointment on my face must have been obvious but I couldn't hide it. I didn't get the lead, not because I wasn't good enough, but because I didn't suit the part. I suppose he thinks I'd be a terrific dog! He said he wanted the dog to be a back-up harmony singer and my voice was good so he wanted me to do that. I told him I didn't really want to so he said he'd try to find something else for me. In other words I'll be stuck with a crumby chorus part. I think that's so unfair. If I was good enough for a main role he should be able to find SOMETHING more than just a chorus role. No one seems to understand just how important this was to me. It was my only chance to be someone. But I guess I'll just have to go through my whole life being a "nobody"! I want to be important, well known, and most of all famous. I realize famous is a bit too much to expect. I'd like to do a TV commercial or something like that. I'd absolutely love to be an actress on TV or theatre. But no one knows that. My friends knew I badly wanted the part but I think Joanne was a bit shocked when I cried on the bus. She was good about it but I don't think she fully understands. Karina certainly doesn't. She wasn't even talking to me. She tried to make me take the part of the dog but I wouldn't. I wouldn't be surprised if she went home and told her mum I was an ungrateful bitch (in those words). I just wish people would understand me.

26th March 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-03-29T12:46:00.000+10:00

I don't think I failed my Accounting today although I don't think I did all the well either. Biol tomorrow!?!

I saw David a fair bit again today. He always talks to me a lot. But I don't know how to take that. He probably just likes me as a friend. Karina & I were getting on really well with Nick (like usual) & Darren Brown. I think I've mentioned him before. They're in our Accounting class. We had lunch during sixth because our exam went into lunch so we were with them for our lunch break. I can't write much when exams are on because I'm up late studying & I'm tired.

25th March 1985 (Monday)

2010-03-29T12:43:00.000+10:00

Boy am I stupid. I always leave study until the night before. But I guess I'll never change. We had our Maths exam today & I really stuffed it. I'll do the same with Accounting tomorrow.

David was talking to us a bit today. But I've gone & got myself hooked on a guy who doesn't care AGAIN!

I taught John this afternoon. He's doing very well.

Joanne HAD to audition for the musical today. Our music teacher made her. I was so wrong about her. She really is great. She's a terrific friend. I said stupid things about her. I should never have said them. Her & Kelly & Karina (sometimess) are my best buds (as Kelly would say).

I guess I should keep studying Accounting.

24th March 1985 (Sunday)

2010-03-29T10:25:00.000+10:00

Today I watched far too much RV. I watched it from 12:30 until 6:30. I've bot a Maths exam tomorrow and I should have been studying for it. I have been doing a bit. But not really enough.

23rd March 1985 (Saturday)

2010-03-29T10:24:00.000+10:00

Work was dull this morning. Kelly wasn't well. She had a little too much to drink last night. Joe McIlhenny came in to see Kelly (he was sitting with us at the hair fashion awards). He's kind of cute, he said hello to me.

We had our first deb meeting today. Nine girls went but a few more are making their debut who weren't there. I know all the girls that were there today.

We went to Mass at Ridgehaven tonight. Nothing unusual.

22nd March 1985 (Friday)

2010-03-26T15:34:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I forgot to mention my piano lesson. My teacher has been in Hong Kong so I haven't had lessons for the past 4 weeks. I haven't been practising either. I thought she'd kill me but she was nice about it. She realizes I don't want to do exams so my lessons are only 1/2 an hour instead of an hour. She brought me back a nice purse, bag & sunglasses case.

School was nothing special. I can feel myself drawing away from Karina. I don't know why & I wish it wasn't like this but just don't like her as much as I used to. I didn't see David much today. But he talked to me for a little while.

I went out tonight. Of course I shouldn't have. We went to Ridgehaven Dance. I've never been so depressed. No one would talk to me. I knew enough people but the only person nice enough to talk to me was Karen Johnson. Elizabeth McIntosh (my doggy cousin) came in later with Benny. Bryant's at Mt Isa. I asked Liz when Bryant was coming down and they all just looked at me and Benny said, "Bryant still really likes you," so sarcastically I could have bashed his face in. Not to mention darling Elizabeth's. I must be the biggest failure at an attempt of a person I've ever seen. I'm a real dud! I've got no close friends now, no guys like me & no one talks to me. I'm hopeless. I'm worthless. I really wish I was dead. It would be so much better than living this rotten life I live. I wish a car would run over me or I'd get bitten by a deadly snake or I'd fall down the steps and break my neck or I'd get struck by lightning. I'm too gutless to kill myself so I need an accident to do it for me. I didn't think I was really that bad until tonight. There's obviously something wrong with me or I'd at least have someone who'd talk to me. I only had 2 dances. One with Dad's friend. I'm bad news. I don't think I should ever go out again. The public don't deserve such bad company!

21st March 1985 (Thursday)

2010-03-26T15:05:00.000+10:00

Today was nothing special. We tried to get David and Nick into the musical but they said they might audition tomorrow. Geoff & Marcus & Aaron and a few of their friends auditioned today.

Tonight was really the best. I went to watch the Bodallin Hair Fashion Awards. Joanne was a model and Kelly asked me to go so Mum & I went. It was licensed and Kelly and the friends we sat with all drink. I had a few sips of their wine and my first taste of rum & Coke. It's OK I guess. Mum was sitting with us so I couldn't really have whole drinks. The awards were given to all the wrong people. Shiralee (where I go & want to work) should have got best salon. Kelly's sister's husband's family owns half of Shiralee and Kelly is really good friends with their daughter, Sharon Harmer. Mum talked to Kelly's mum a few days ago and said about me wanting to work there. It probably won't help but I hope it does. I've wanted to be a hairdresser since I was grade 5. I tried to get in at the end of grade 10 but there were no vacancies.

20th March 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-03-26T13:25:00.000+10:00

I talked a lot to David today. He's so nice! I've got him thinking about going in the musical. Before there was no way he'd go in it.

Yoko leaves tonight.

I'm so tired I can't be bothered writing anymore. It's 10:00 & I've done no homework & I'm not going to. We've got exams next week.

19th March 1985 ( Tuesday)

2010-03-26T13:23:00.000+10:00

Karina was away today but that didn't bother me at all. In fact it was really good without her. I'm getting sick of her company. I always get sick of my best friends. It's stupid and I feel bad about it but I can't help it.

I watched Roselise audition for the musical today. She's got a horrible voice! Only two boys have auditioned for it so far. The teachers said they'll have to force the boys into it.

Kelly told me who she likes and I have to keep it a secret. I can never keep secrets but this one I will. I want to because Kelly is my best friend at the moment. She made me feel like someone when she told me and better still, she trusts me.

I only saw David once today. He said hello and stood in front of me so I couldn't pass him and he kept stepping from side to side in co-ordination with me. I loved it. He's really very tall. He's almost as tall as Nick but he doesn't look it. Probably because he's muscly and Nick is a scrawny runt. Wendy Harvey asked me if I like Nick today. I asked why she wanted to know. She said, "Just curious" but it was almost as if Nick or maybe Janine got her to ask me. I said I didn't and she asked me if I hated him. I said a very definite "No". I only like him as a friend. I've never really like him any more than that.

18th March 1985 (Monday)

2010-03-26T13:16:00.001+10:00

Boy am I sick of school! The social aspect is great: cheersquad, musical, camps, I love all that. It would be fantastic if I could go to school for all that and do absolutely no work.

Geoff came home from the camp today. He's very tired and has been sleeping since 5:00. Joanne of course had a great time. But being as popular and pretty as she is, I can imagine the kind of good time she'd have! She wouldn't be depressed for one minute. Not like dull, ugly, dumb, boring, stupid I did. I'm nobody! I really want the part in the musical. It will make me special, someone, important. But why am I kidding myself? As if I, Tara Benning, would get a main role in the school musical. Sometimes I live the biggest dreams imaginable.

David was at school today. I found today I was avoiding guys. I hate them all. None of them are any good. I offered David $10 if he auditioned for the musical but he took it as a joke.

I taught John this afternoon. He's going well.

Kelly rang me tonight about her sewing. I wasn't much help.

17th March 1985 (Sunday)

2010-03-23T21:44:00.000+10:00

Today was the day I was supposed to do heaps of homework and start studying for the exams next week. But I don't think it's even necessary to state what I didn't do.

Owen and Trent and Aunty Cor came up today. Nan and Kevin are going down to their place to stay for a few days so they came to pick them up. They stayed for the day. With Geoff away on camp, Mel and I had to entertain the boys. That was easy though. I love kids. We had a "copy the leader" dance competition to Madonna "Like a Virgin". That was fun! Good exercise too.

We went to Mass and Ridgehaven tonight. Nobody interesting was there.

16th March 1985 (Saturday)

2010-03-23T21:41:00.000+10:00

Work this morning was the same as usual but this time I had some very nice scenery! Wayne Long is absolutely beautiful. Kelly and I were drooling over him all morning. But what's the use dwelling over something you can't have? I think I should give up on guys for the rest of my life!

Tonight I'm in one of my I-wish-somebody-loved-me moods. I get so depressed when I'm like this. All I think about is having someone to hold me and really care about me.

Mum and Dad went to a wedding near Galton today so Dane Jenson had to pick me up from work. Dane works for Dad and Uncle Frank on the farm. Danny (Mum's bro.) came out today and had lunch. Mum and Dad didn't get home until 8pm so we had Kentucky Fried Chicken. YUMMY!!

15th March 1985 ( Friday)

2010-03-23T21:34:00.001+10:00

Bodallin only came third!!! We were so disappointed. We've won the last 3 years. Our cheersquad was pretty good. I really enjoyed doing it. It was great! It got to the stage where it was more a competition between cheersquads rather than swimmers.

14th March 1985 (Thursday)

2010-03-23T21:32:00.001+10:00

We had our final cheer squad practise before the big day tomorrow! We aren't really very good but good enough. I'm in the front row. I got out of double Ancient History to make pom-poms.

David said hello to me today and I didn't even say anything to him first! Karina got jealous. Roselise and I went up to talk to him at morning tea (Karina was doing a Biology Prac) but he didn't say much.

Karina is such a selfish person and she's never willing to help anyone. She's very smart and she always knows all the answers for Biology but when I ask her for help she practically throws her answers at me or ignores my question. She does that in every subject. She's all improtant and she doesn't give a damn if her best friend fails. When I beat her in English I was amazed and I said about twice "I got 10/15". She said, "Oh, good on you, Tara," very sarcastically. Nice attitude for a friend to take!

I really hope I get a lead role in the musical then maybe Mum would take a slight bit of interest in what I do. I come home and tell her I got a good mark for English and I beat Karina and she said, "Did you?" Very uninterestedly. I told her I got into the cheersquad and the same thing happened. I showed her my cheersquad uniform and she didn't even say it looked nice. Then to make things worse, I told her I auditioned for the musical and she didn't even ask me how I went. Melissa came home with an 'excellent' written on her work and Mum showed all the symptoms of a 'proud parent'. She can't even raise her eyes from what she's doing for me.

13th March 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-03-17T12:59:00.000+10:00

I've given up on David. I hate being hooked on a guy who couldn't care less and I won't do it again.

Yoko came up to the school today and said goodbye over parade. Then she gave Karina a letter and I got jealous. I was in a cranky mood all day.

We had cheersquad training again. It's fun.

Someone told me today she heard I had the lead role but that wouldn't be right because not everyone has auditioned yet.

12th March 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-03-17T12:56:00.000+10:00

I auditioned for the musical today. There were seven of us. I had a study 7th so we did it then. Others auditioned at lunch time. But I went to the cheersquad practice. I enjoy being in the cheersquad. It's great. The auditions went well, I think. I was probably in the best 3 from the 7 of us. I hope I'll get in. We could choose the following :

Lead Singing Role
Support Singing Role
Support Speaking Role
Chorus
Dancing
Behind the Scenes

I ticked lead singing role and chorus. The results will probably be out in a week. I didn't get school captain so I must get this or I'll be very upset.

David was at school today but he didn't talk to us and we didn't get the chance to talk to him. Tomorrow I'll try to con him into going into the musical. They're having difficulties finding guys interested in going in it.

11th March 1985 (Monday)

2010-03-17T12:50:00.000+10:00

I was so disappointed today. David didn't go to school! He better go tomorrow or I'll cry.

The principal said over parade today that Kathy and Wayne are school captains. I really did want it but anyway, it's no use dwelling on it.

We had another cheer squad meeting today. It's not as good as I thought. I was hoping it would be like the American cheerleaders. But it's not really organized enough and the routines are really hopeless.

Today we were told the musical auitions are on tomorrow and Thursday. I've got auditions and a cheer squad meeting at the same time tomorrow so I don't know what to do. I really hope to get a main role but then I really hoped to be school captain, too.

I got two lots of results back today. I got 10/15 for my English oral!! I was amazed. I beat Karina, she only got 8. But I only got 6/10 for my Biology microscopic sketch. I hope I keep getting average marks. It's better than failing.

We had Religious Instruction today. I don't mind going to R.I. It's pretty good.

I got a letter from Eric today. He had nothing to say because he had 'a 10 page letter to write to Joanne'. He may as well not even write to me.

10th March 1985 (Sunday)

2010-03-17T12:22:00.000+10:00

I didn't do anything much today. Just listened to my tapes, and watched TV. In other words, I was very lazy!

Melissa went to her friend's place and she's staying there tonight.

I really can't wait to go to school tomorrow for two reasons: cheer squad practice and, most importantly, to see David.

9th March 1985 (Saturday)

2010-03-17T08:08:00.000+10:00

Today at work I found out who the school captains are, Wayne Long and Kathy Bett. Wayne works at the same supermarket as me and he's really cute and very nice! He got a packet of Minties especially for me this morning. I think it's great Wayne got the job as school captain but I don't agree with the choice of Kathy. No one really likes her but she's teacher's pet so that must be how she got elected.

I saw Suzanne Flynn this morning and she said they're busy at the moment but they'll contact me soon. Hughy (the third boy) also wants to learn piano now. He's only 5 but said maybe 10 mins would be enough. So I'll have 4 students. That means I'll get $13.92 from my supermarket job, $12 from the three older piano students and $2 for Hughy. So that's a total of $27.92 per week. If the Flynns come every week!

We went to Mass at Ridgehaven tonight. Afterwards we went up to visit Mum & Dad's friend's family, they live in Ridgehaven. They have four children, James, Matthew, Gregory and Annabel. They're all lovely children. I really enjoyed it there. James and Matthew showed me their skills on the organ and I played a bit. The boys are really very good on the organ.

Kelly has found herself a deb partner, Mario Myall. He's OK. I don't know him very well. He's about 19 I think. Trish Stratton is the lucky girl who has the school captain! She asked him a few days ago so she didn't know he'd get it. I still can't stop thinking about David. He's so wonderful!

8th March 1985 (Friday)

2010-03-15T19:47:00.000+10:00

Today was one of those days which starts bad, but ends especially good!

To start with Paul sent Yoko a heap of photocopied letters and Yoko had to attach the personal page to the front and give them out. Everyone got one but me. That was really terrific! I was supposed to be one of his best friends and even his not so close friends received a letter. It's Paul's birthday today and Yoko's last day of school. We had a party for her. We had a cheer squad meeting, too, at lunch so we went to the party after that. It's great being in the cheer squad! Karina still can't get in though because she didn't attend the meeting yesterday. But there's only about 7 grade 12's and 33 grade 11's and I think grade 12's should get in over grade 11's. I'm glad we did go to Yoko's party afterwards because we saw David. He's so wonderful. Everyone was using his pen to write in Yoko's address book and he wanted to leave so he asked me to hold onto it for him. After that we just had to go and find him (I didn't mind at all!!) We're getting on so well with him. When we found him he was talking to us a lot. He's so funny. A guy with a good sense of humour really turns me on. I love it. And David put his arms around me and Karina at the same time. I can't remember why but who cares. There's a big battle on between us now. We've absolutely one crazy about him!!!! He's just so great. Words can't describe him. Nick and Shane were up with David also and they were talking to us, too. Nick and Shane are in our English class and we were divided into groups today (we had double English last). Nick and Shane got put into my group. They sat either side of me. Kerri Cartwright has been hanging around Nick since the dance and Nick has been trying to get rid of her. Anyway Nick told me this afternoon that he told her today. He said he did it just for me (how sweet). Shane and Nick kept mucking around all afternoon. Suggesting things and putting their arms around me and their hands on my knee etc. I don't mind. It makes me feel wanted. Nick was different towards me today. More like he was on the camp. But now I'm a one man woman (as the saying goes). David is the only one for me (at the moment). It's pretty amazing when you think about it, three guys put their arm around me today. David, Nick and Shane. I could talk all night about David but I better not. I can't wait to see him on Monday. I'm hoping being in the cheer squad will help me out with the social and romantic aspects of my life. Well it could only make them better. It couldn't make them worse because at the moment they're non existent!!

Yoko gave me a present today for her going away, and a card. What she said on the card was really lovely. I'll have to talk to her and tell her I wasn't using her and that I know about her and Paul.

I almost forgot! Karina got a letter from Paul S. yesterday and he really liked the letter. But selfish Karina didn't say anything about me helping and I wrote half the bloody letter! I couldn't believe it. She wanted all the credit for herself.

I got the photo's back from the camp today. Some of them are a bit disappointing and one in the hut didn't come out at all. But generally they're pretty good.

7th March 1985 (Thursday)

2010-03-15T19:30:00.000+10:00

It's only 4:45pm but I thought I'd write today's events so I don't have to after I get home tonight.

Today Melissa is 13 and Kelly is 17. I'm going to miss Melissa's birthday party. And I'm also going to miss 'Zapped' staring Scott Baio. What a honey!! I'm so disappointed. Kelly got her learner's this morning. She's so lucky. I have to wait 8 month for mine.

I got into the cheer squad today. We needed 40 and exactly 40 turned up to the meeting so we didn't have to audition. I've got my uniform and everything now! It's great.

Nick is being a bit disgusting lately. He keeps telling everyone I tried to 'you-know-what' at camp. David was away today.

(Later)
I've just arrived home from the theatre. Forty grade 12's went down by bus to Brisbane to watch 'Death of a Salesman'. for English. It was a good play but it wasn't really well done and the theatre was old and not very nice. But overall it was pretty good. During the interval we went over to the canteen and saw Paul Bongiorno and Kay McGrath from Channel 0 news. We stood right beside TV stars!!! How exciting. One of the characters in the play (he must have been about 25 in real life) looked in our direction. He saw me and glanced back again and after that he kept looking at me a lot. We were in the second row and the stage was very close to the audience so he could see me well. Every time he got the chance (when his role allowed him to face the audience) he looked at me! He wasn't cute but it made me feel a bit better. On the way home Gareth Weir & Matt Lefevre we're in front where we could see them and they are so cute! But I got really upset on the bus because I realized that cute guys never talk to me and it would be impossible for me to talk to them. I can talk easily to guys who aren't especially good looking, like Paul O'Leary, Bevan Bates, Mathew Winten & Nick Saxby. But they often approach me and I can approach them too. But a really cute guy would never ever come and talk to me. I don't think I'm ugly. I'm certainly not beautiful but maybe slightly attractive. Maybe all I want is a popular guy (who is always cute anyway), someone whom everyone likes and all the girls love. But that's even ridiculous to think about!! Geoff Mulroney is the only one who I can talk to although when I talk to him, everything I say is an effort to impress him. And usually when I do that instead of being myself people don't like me as much. But I always feel I have to impress a gorgeous guy.

6th March 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-03-15T14:46:00.000+10:00

Today Karina and I invented a person (for Roselise)! His name is Joey Parker. I met him at the dance on Saturday. Eric brought him down from his boarding school. He's 17, nearly 18. She fell for it hook, line and sinker.

We were going to see Mrs Brand about the cheer squad this morning but the principal kept back all the grade 12's. And by the time he'd finished, she'd gone. We were told to see her during lunch but we couldn't because of sport. So we'll see her tomorrow.

I won my tennis match today. We played cut-throat (Roselise, Karina & I) and I won. The scores were Rose - 1, Kari - 4 , me - 6.

Today was I totally shamed out! Karina and I were writing notes. We were sitting with Bevan because he was helping us with our Maths (he's unusually smart) and Geoff Mulroney walked in. I wrote "I love Geoff Mulroney's face and body." Geoff came over to Bevan and he saw us pass the note so he tried to get it. It was ripped and all he got was "Mulroney's". Anyway he went and I wrote it again because Karina only got the ripped piece. BUT Geoff came back (The Return of Geoff Mulroney) and saw it again, this time he got the whole note. I was so embarrassed! But he really is cute.

I didn't see David today. He went to Bowenglen to play inter-school sport. I don't know what sport he plays. I'm glad I like him because it takes my mind off Eric. I don't want him to know I like him because I'm quite sure it would ruin our friendship.

It's Melissa's last day before she is a teenager.

5th March 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-03-06T20:23:00.000+10:00

Today we were informed there is going to be a real cheer-squad with trials, practices, pom-poms, uniforms, routines and war-cries for the zone swimming carnival on the 15th. There is a meeting tomorrow and I'll try out for sure!

Nick was writing obscene letters to us this arvo. But we started it of course. Towards the end they were getting very nasty! He told me to wait until I got out of the classroom, he would kill me. He said I'm being very nasty to him lately. I have really because of what he did (but I think that was a lie, that's what I heard).

I like someone new now. David Charles. Karina does too, of course. She, Jo and Roselise are the only ones that know. I'll have to put Roselise off the track though because I don't want her to know. She's bound to tell someone!

4th March 1985 (Monday)

2010-03-04T14:28:00.000+10:00

I taught piano this afternoon. John is coming along really well. He understands anyway. The other family still haven't contacted us. I'll have to get Mum to ring and if they're not coming again I'll see if I can get some more students.

Nick is really disgusting. He and Brad's cousin (Lee-ette Street), slept together. I was really shocked. I didn't think Nick was like that. But I guess he must be. All he thinks 'enjoying yourself' means is going out and drinking. Just like Joanne. She hasn't got to that stage yet but she's looking forward to it! She makes me sick with all her stupid ideas. She copies Donna and in my opinion they both need to grow up a bit. I obviously won't be letting Joanne read this anymore. I've been waiting to write this for ages. She's a Catholic like me but she may as well not be. She thinks there's nothing wrong with living together before you're married, and also this drinking bit.

Roselise is the biggest dag in the world. She tells me all about her 'love story' with Paul. "I need him, I want him, but I'm not sure I still love him" and "I don't know if it's the experiences I had with him or if I really love him", and "I was giving Yoko a big lecture on love." Oh God, if that's not enough to make anyone sick I don't know what is. All this rubbish coming from a seventeen year old girl who acts thirteen. WHAT A DAG!!

We were talking to David Charles in Maths (he was sitting with us). He really is very nice!! He's extremely funny. My man definitely must have a good sense of humour. Like David or Eric. I wish David and Shane would like me just to spite Roselise. Because she thinks she can get any guy she wants. I really do like David though. But I won't say anything because I know for sure he still likes Janine. They used to be a couple.

3rd March (Sunday)

2010-03-03T21:01:00.000+10:00

Aunty Coralie, Owen & Trent visited Nan today. They're my favourite cousins apart from Laura, but I never get to see her. Anyway, today we were mucking around throwing stones and I threw one which hit Trent in the head. It started bleeding but it wasn't bad. Later on Aunty Cor saw it and asked him what happened. He looked at me and said nothing. He's only five and I thought that was so sweet of him. Most kids would tell their mum straight away and try to make it sound like a real tragedy, but not my Trenty! I told Aunty Cor what I did. But I'll never forget that Trent tried to keep me out of trouble.

I forgot to mention, on Friday as I was walking away from my oral Adrian said to me, "Well done, Tara". I know it wasn't very good but I was so flattered he said it to me. And last night at the dance, Darren said, "That was a good oral you did". It wasn't really which means they both just said it because they wanted to say something to me! Either that or they were being sarcastic but I don't think they were.

2nd March 1985 (Saturday)

2010-03-03T20:52:00.000+10:00

Well, this morning started fine! Kelly had to go home sick from work. She went out last night and had a little too much to drink. Three other girls took turns in helping me in the deli. I was in a real mess, I was so disorganized!

I came home and went to sleep ready for my "BIG NIGHT OUT" ?! Half way through my peaceful sleep, Karina rang and being only half awake I ran into the wall on the way to the phone!! She told me she couldn't come to the dance. I had weird dreams today. I don't usually dream when I sleep during the day. But today I dreamt about Nick and Brett Johns (he's a real honey). They both came here and ignored me. It was more of a nightmare!

The dance wasn't bad, but it could have been better. None of my friends (Karina or Joanne) went so I had to make conversation with the boys which is terribly boring when you've got no friends with you. Streets went. The idea of me and Paul getting together is ridiculous. He's very nice but friendship is as far as it could possibly go. I really do like Eric. But I can't tell anyone because if he found out...it would ruin everything. He's so easy to get along with. He's exactly the kids of guy I like. But I've got a fat chance with him. He goes for sexy blondes. At the moment he is the only guy I like. I got a big shock tonight. Shane Ludbrock usually goes to the dances but tonight Nick and Darren Brown came with him. Darren & I went to primary school together. I had a crush on him for years. Nick said hello but otherwise ignored me. I think he's trying to hook onto Kerri Cartwright. She's Matt's ex. I had three dances with Paul, one (only one *sob*) with Eric and one with Shane. I talked to Brett Johns, too. He is so cute! We talked about school captains.

1st March 1985 (Friday)

2010-03-01T10:26:00.000+10:00

I am so glad today's over!! We had an assignment, a test and an oral all on the one day. I still haven't finished the assignment but I've only got a bit to do and I got the others over and done with!

Today we voted for school captains. I'm absolutely positive I won't get it but there is a very slight chance. I know of twelve definite votes and about 5 unsure ones, so that's about 17 out of 300. But you never know. I don't know about the teacher votes. I'm not going to build up my hopes though. Auditions for the school musical start next week. I hope I get in. The communications committee wrote our first article for the local paper. It will be in next Wednesday's edition.

Mum rang Mrs Street tonight and I was going to talk to Paul. But they had to stay at school for sport tomorrow. But they'll be at the dance tomorrow night at Tooradin.

Karina lost her voice from cheering at the swimming carnival. It was bad yesterday but even worse today. She couldn't do the English oral for obvious reasons.

28th February 1985 (Thursday)

2010-03-01T10:21:00.000+10:00

It's Natasha's birthday today. She's 9. We rang her and had a bit of a chat.

Aunty Kaye's friend Lenore Walker had a baby girl today. It's her 3rd child. They have Lorena, Liam and no name for this baby yet.

I've got an assignment, a test and an oral tomorrow and I didn't do anything about them until tonight. They still aren't finished but I'll get there. I got 7/10 for my Home Ec. sewing.

Today Nick was talking to Kelly and me and he was saying things like, "I heard about you lying on the bed with some bloke," to me. But then he started whispering things like, "I want to go with Tara" and "Tara's so spunky", to Kelly. I really hate when people (especially guys) make fun of me. And Nick was certainly doing it well. Then he showed Kelly how to do a basic computer program and he wrote "Tara's a dag". I felt really awful and Kelly didn't even stick up for me like she normally does. And it was when I really needed it, too!

Today it stormed and everyone got absolutely soaked walking down to the bus. It was pouring . It looked like we'd just jumped out of a pool. Even my books in my bag got wet.

27th February 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-03-01T10:10:00.000+10:00

Today nothing special happened apart from our school swimming carnival. Our house came 3rd (there are only 4 houses). I got really burnt and a slight case of sun stroke.

My assignments are really getting me down. Especially Ancient History. I'm going to see if I can drop it and do Geography instead.

Yesterday Bryant's recently-dropped girlfriend was talking to Melissa. They're friends. Melissa asked if she still liked Bryant and she said she did but she's not going to worry about him because next time he comes down he'll probably be after me!!! That's terrific.

Bevan Bates has been hanging around us a lot. He may just like us as friends but I think (I'm not sure) that he likes one of us more than friends. I hope it's Karina because he's the kid of guy I could never ever like more than a friend and I think Karina likes him anyway.

26th February 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-02-26T19:42:00.000+10:00

Nothing happened yesterday so I didn't worry about my diary. Nothing happened today either but I didn't want to leave a big gap.

I got my hair cut after school this afternoon. And Mum cut it when we got home. She did a good job at the hairdressers but I just wanted the length shorter at the back so Mum cut it.

24th February 1985 (Saturday)

2010-02-26T19:40:00.000+10:00

Nothing happened in my life today. I might as well have not woken up! I wrote to Eric tonight. Geoff went to the coast with the Grade 11's and bought Nik Kershaw 'The Riddle". It's not as good as 'Human Racing" but it's good. I love Nik Kershaw, and Wham!

I forgot to mention on Friday I found out Brad has a girlfriend. So now Nick likes Janine, Matt likes Janelle, Paul's going with Yoko & Brad's going with Stacey. That doesn't leave many for me. But I'm really hoping Paul Street and I will hit it off. I don't think he drinks or smokes. He seems sensible. And I think he's a good Catholic. All these things are very important to me. Mum bought a brides magazine yesterday so we can get some idea of a style for my deb dress. I've picked a really beautiful one. I hope Mum can make it. I want to be especially beautiful for my debut. But that won't be possible for me.

23rd February 1985 (Saturday)

2010-02-26T19:33:00.000+10:00

I went to work this morning (unusual hey considering I do it every week). Kelly and I got on really well this morning. She's really terrific. We're 'best buds' as she would say. She said she'll talk to Nick for me, too. I don't know what good it will do. She also told me that Matt likes Janelle Kiernan. That's great hey? So far Nick likes Janine and Matt likes Janelle. That always happens with my 'hopefuls'. Benny Schneider came into the supermarket this morning. I went really shaky and embarrassed. I don't know why. I don't do that when I see anyone but him. Bryant's gone back to Mt Isa but he's coming back next week.

We went to mass at Ridgehaven tonight. It's hard to believe that this time last week we were on camp. I wish I was still there!

22nd February 1985 (Friday)

2010-02-26T19:27:00.000+10:00

I found out Nick likes Janine today. It's a bit disappointing. He liked her when he was with me too!!

I told Shane not to pertner Roselise and he said he won't now (but she doesn't know yet!) Nick ws a bit more friendly towards me, but nothing to take seriously.

I dreamt about Matt last night. It was a beautiful dream. We were very close. I told Debbie and she said she' tell him. I wrote a letter to him but it was so corny I threw it away.

21st February 1985 (Thursday)

2010-02-26T19:23:00.000+10:00

I'm writing yesterday's diary now because I was so tired yesterday that I slept from 4:30pm to 5:30am.

Nick practically ignored me yesterday. He spoke to me a little bit but not much. I don't really like him though. The camp was really great! I enjoyed it so much. Especially about Nick.

Yesterday I was walking at school with my friends and Shane Ludbrock, Nick and some other guys were walking the other way. I stood right in front of Shane and wasn't going to move and he did the same. When we met he put his arms around me and kept walking. Roselise was with me and she has the loudest laugh so everyone must have heard. I wasn't embarrassed though. It didn't worry me! Then I saw him later and he winked at me and asked what I was doing last night & he asked me to his place (jokingly of course) and I said, "No thanks, Shane". I like it when guys do that, even if they're only mucking around. It makes me feel special.

NIGHT

Nick was the same towards me today. I think he was just using me at the camp. He did put his arms around my legs though. But that meant nothing. Roselise asked Shane Ludbrock to partner her for her debut and he said he would.

The power dispute is finally over.

Eric wrote to me again today. It was about Jo again but not as much.

19th February 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-02-26T17:32:00.001+10:00

Today was very eventful. We had the usual boring pack up this morning and had lunch at 11:30. Nick was with Janine & Wendy and said hardly anything to me. I was very upset because I don't know what's happening. We left the camp at about 12:45. I was in the mini-bus. I was hoping to get in the same bus as Nick but it didn't work that way. Anyhow the big bus almost overturned in soft ground at road works. It gave me a heart attack. It really looked as though it would tip. That was about a 1/2 hour delay. Big excitement!

Mum picked me up from school and we did grocery shopping then came home. Melissa told me about the dance and Bryant was there. He was even asking for me and his friend asked how old I am. She said he sounded very interested. I was so excited when I heard. He's going home tomorrow or next day though. How disappointing!

Now a lot of people know I keep a diary but I don't mind anymore.

18th February 1985 (Monday)

2010-02-26T13:13:00.000+10:00

An all day hike was offered for those who wanted to go but I thought it was a bit much for me. All the non-hikers did orienteering and then went to the natural arch. It's very beautiful up there. Nick was going to go hiking but he changed his mind. He wasn't talking to me very much this morning. I was walking around with him a bit.

For dinner we had to dress up in 'formal' wear for our meal. Karina, Stephanie and I went with sheets around us & togs underneath. We went into Bevan's hut beforehand and my sheet wasn't tight so I did it up again and Bevan & his friend Steven kept saying, "Oh, what a body", and dumb things like that. After dinner we had the concert. That was excellent. Our group did a skit with an obstacle course and a teacher. It was quite funny. I was sitting on Nick's lap afterwards and then he walked down to the hut with me. But instead of coming into my hut, he went into Wendy & Janine's (they're his friends). Then he came into mine. But he said he would go and get the 'Oh, no 99' cards and come back but he didn't come back. So I don't know what's going on.

17th February 1985 (Sunday)

2010-02-26T12:47:00.000+10:00

We had an early start this morning. We all got out of bed at 5:30!!! With six of us needing showers & blow dryers before breakfast (and a blackout) we needed the early rise.

Before lunch we got our senior badges & a talk about our roles as Grade 12's. Then after lunch we had group activities. That was fun but we had a few casualities. Of course, Karina was one. She cut her arm & leg jumping out of a tree. It sounds dumb but we all had to do it.

Nothing was organized for the night so Nick Saxby asked us down to his cabin. Some of the other guys locked us in so Karina, Karen, Stuart Hamilton, Nick & I were all stuck in the cabin in a blackout without a torch. Not that we minded. Karen & Stuart were on the bottom bunk doing their own thing. Nick was coming close to me before we went to his room but I thought nothing of it. But he asked me up onto the top bunk and we were lying close together. We didn't do anything at all but I wonder what would have happened if Mr Stone hadn't have shone the torch in the window. It gave us all a heart attack. He let us out and we joined the rest but Nick didn't want me to go. I feel really sick now and I don't know if it's from nerves, shock or the food. Probably a mixture of them all!

16th February 1985 (Saturday)

2010-02-26T11:12:00.000+10:00

Today was very exciting! We had to work without electricity in the deli! It's kind of difficult when the scales and slicer work by electricity. And without lights it's pitch black. Anyway, we managed.

We arrived at the camp at about 4pm. It started off OK but as the night progressed it gradually worsened. We played organized games and they were fun but I felt like 'a nothing', as usual. Mathew Winten was talking to us a lot but then Miss bitch Roselise started with her usual come-on job. She does it all the time and it makes me sick! About 10 mins after Paul Gordon dropped her she tried to con onto David Charles. But he had enough sense to ignore her.

I went to Karina's place after work and we mucked around (nothing out of the ordinary). She saw Brad last night & he's going to partner her for her debut. She's very happy about that. I'm glad, too.

In our hut there are six of us, Stephanie deLuca, Terra Wilkinson, Kathryn Sellers, Karen Barry, Karina & me. We're all such wonderful girls. No, really, it's fun. I got in with the best group by far.

15th February 1985 (Friday)

2010-02-26T11:05:00.002+10:00

Well, the camp is tomorrow night and it should be really fun.

Mrs Street rang today and Paul will partner me. I'm so glad. I'm very pleased he can do it.

14th February 1985 (Thursday)

2010-02-26T11:04:00.000+10:00

Today is Valentine's Day and I didn't get any cards. Not that I thought I would. I just hoped I would.

Today Karina and I wrote out the ribbons for the swimming carnival which was supposed to be tomorrow. But because of the power strikes it was postponed. My stars lately have said my popularity is increasing and think they may have be right for once. I am becoming slightly more popular. I hope it helps for school captain.

Today we decided what we're doing for the concert at the Grade 12 camp. Perfect Match! It should be great fun.

We had Aunty Kaye's birthday party tonight for Saturday.

13th February 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-02-26T11:01:00.000+10:00

Joanne wrote a letter to Eric last night so she put it in with mine and posted it this afternoon.

I played tennis for sport today and Karina & I won against two other girls 6 - 3. I haven't won for ages and I love winning!

After sport, Geoff Mulroney, our house captain (and a real cutie), asked Karina and me to help paint signs for our house. I love doing things like that because it really makes me feel like a "Grade 12".

When I got on the bus after tennis, Mathew Winten said, "Tara! Tara! Where are you?" and I said, "Down here," and he said, "Oh, that's OK. I just wanted to make sure you were on the bus." Talk about shame! It was a big bus too and he wasn't exactly whispering. Karina got upset though because he looked for me and not her.

There are power disputes on at the moment and they're so annoying. It's been like this for about 3 days. Power on & off. You can't do anything!

12th February 1985 ( Tuesday)

2010-02-26T10:56:00.000+10:00

I showed my friends my letter from Eric today and Karina and I wrote a letter to Paul asking him why he hasn't written to Karina. It's an A-Z reasons similar to the one I sent Peter.

I did exercises tonight. I've been doing them since Sunday night and I'm sore all over!

11th February 1985 (Monday)

2010-02-11T12:43:00.000+10:00

I got a letter from Eric today. All I need is one from Ann tomorrow and I'll have 3 letters in 3 days. Eric's letter was hilarious as usual but he talked mostly about Joanne which makes me think he's using me to get at her. But he said something very nice & thoughful. He told me I deserved better than Brad.

I taught John piano again today. I think he's doing quite well at the stage.

Karina & I made up the duty rosters for the Grade 12 camp today. There's 2 girls and 2 boys in every group so we put Nic & Mathew in our group.

I am so glad I found out about Yoko & Paul on a Friday because it gave me the whole weekend to cool down. I'm still talking to her. Even more than before I knew. She's too nice & too good of a friend to just let go like that. Anyway I think my feelings were probably jealousy as well as hurt but I always overcome jealousy, like now. I'm glad I'm still talking to her. And I'm really glad I had the weekend or I might have done or said something I really regretted.

10th February 1985 (Sunday)

2010-02-11T12:38:00.000+10:00

Today I did absolutely nothing even the slightest bit interesting. I did a bit of sun baking but I got no browner!

Mum rang Paul Street's mum tonight to ask if Paul would be my partner and they'll ring back soon about the answer. I really hope he can do it!

9th February 1985 (Saturday)

2010-02-11T12:37:00.000+10:00

Work was nothing out of the ordinary this morning.

Mum & Dad went to a meeting at about 1.30 and then Karina rang me at 2:00. We're getting on so well lately. It seems like we're twins because we always know what the other one's going to say and we really are alike personality wise. But most importantly, we have EXACTLY the same taste in guys. There isn't one guy I like that Karina doesn't like & vice versa. That even includes past crushes before we even knew each other well. Since I've found out about Yoko & Paul Karina's the only one I can really talk to about it. She really understands. By the time we finished talking it was 4:45. We talked for 2 3/4 hours. That's a new record for me! I told Karina about my diary. Lately there's not much I haven't told her. Even things I don't dare tell anyone usually. I felt really good after I got off the phone. Really happy for a change. But then I had to ruin it by going out. We went to Mass at Ridgehaven then to a bush dance there as well. I only had three dances. I was bored out of my brain! Matt was there and so I wanted to dance with him because he was the only guy I knew there. He asked me for a dance then told me he'd get me up again later. But he went home without asking me. I felt dumb because I really thought he liked me but I'm dumb! I wish I could just kill my curiosity and not go out any more because I'm upset after EVERY time I got out. I didn't know whether to go tonight or not but of course I went and wished I didn't.

I cut Mum's hair today. All over! I didn't think she'd be brave enough to let me do that!

8th February 1985 (Friday)

2010-02-10T21:35:00.000+10:00

The weekend at last!! I've only been back at school for one week and one day but it seems like months.

Today has to be ONE of the worst days of my life. I've never felt so let down or neglected ever. Roselise was telling me about a tape Paul O'L had done for Yoko before he left. She said, "Some of the things Paul said were very personal and it sounded like they are in love." I felt bad after that because Yoko didn't let me listen to the tape. But that was nothing compared to what else happened. I told Karina what Roselise had told me and I could see she knew something I didn't know. I asked her what it was but she said Yoko had a deep discussion with her when she stayed at Karina's place but she couldn't tell me what Yoko said. But I could tell she told her Paul and herself were much, much more than good friends. And Karina gave me enough hints to tell me I was right. I was so angry! Firstly because Yoko had told Roselise & Karina but not me (her supposedly best friend). But I was extremely upset at the fact she'd been lying to me all this time. And not just small, "stretching-the-truth" lies but downright lies to the worst extreme. She must think a lot of me! What did she think I'd do? Commit suicide or something. I'm not that weak that I can't handle it. I hate Yoko so much today. I couldn't even look at her after I found out. If there's one thing I can't handle, it's being lied to. I crack up. I feel like absolutely nothing & nobody when people lie to me. And to think, Yoko's just been making me look like a total fool. I've been telling her how much I like Paul and she kept saying, "I don't know how you could like him that way." The BITCH! Why couldn't she tell me the truth? She also asked Karina if I was using her to get at Paul. I wasn't! But now she can think what she likes. I really did like her but she's not really the person I liked now I've found out the truth about her. She's a totally different person. And if all this isn't bad enough! To make my day worse I come home to find a letter from Paul on the kitchen table. I've never felt so dumb. Yoko probably told Paul everything I told her. And, believe me, I told her everything. I almost felt like tearing the letter up. I'd told Karina I wasn't going to write to him anymore & I hoped he wouldn't write back. The letter started just fine when he spelt my name with a small 't' (which is exactly what Will did and he hated me). The letter was a letter that a brother would send. It was so bad I could even show Mum & Dad. I can't even show Eric's letter to them! Then, to make me feel even worse, he ended with "Yours sincerely"! I couldn't believe it. He didn't even put 'Your friend' or anything. It was the most impersonal closing he could get!! I don't' want to write to him anymore but Mum would ask me why I wasn't, so I guess I'll have to! I've never felt so unimportant before. I'm really depressed. I cried this afternoon & I feel like slapping Yoko across the face. The LYING DOG!

7th February 1985 (Thursday)

2010-02-10T21:19:00.000+10:00

A very strange thing happened to me at school today. Geoff Mulroney and Andy Anderson, people who are 'too good' to talk to me, kept staring at me at morning tea. They must have been making fun of me, because they don't like me (I don't think?).

Mum bought a tiny, pocket sized tape recorder today. It has changeable speeds and Geoff and I were having great fun with it!

I had to do some sewing for Home Ec. tonight and it went wrong as usual. I got impatient and Mum and I had an argument. She drives me crazy.

I went to piano lessons this afternoon. My teacher wasn't very pleased when I hadn't done my practice. I had to do 1 HOUR of scales for the lesson. I had intentions of telling her I'm not doing exams this year but she took it for granted that I am so I haven't told her yet.

I got my certificate for my last piano exam today. Another one to add to my collection (what a skite!)

6th February 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-02-10T21:12:00.000+10:00

Karina and I sat at the same table as Nic in 2 classes today. We didn't talk to him though. We didn't know what to say. I write about Nic a lot but I'm not crazy about him. I'd just like to get to know him better because as I've said, I think exchange students are interesting. Karina and I were talking to Mathew Winten a lot today. He's one of Nic's friends. We've known Mathew for ages but we were talking to him a lot more than before today. He's really funny.

We picked our sports today and we're doing tennis. We were going to do swimming but we changed our minds.

We were speaking to the teacher in charge of our house and we asked if we could be in the cheer squad and she said most likely depending on numbers. Grade 12 is not as bad as it looked last week. I'm really serious about being school captain or getting a main role in the school musical. I want those two things more than anything (apart from doing well in my school work.) I might get an important part in the musical because it's only offered to 11's and 12's but I don't have a chance of getting school captain. I'll have to tell everyone I know to vote for me. But I still won't make it.

Debbie came over tonight to get her hair cut. While I was cutting it she said when she was in the supermarket I work at a few months ago with Matt, her mother and her other brother she showed her mum who I was. Debbie told me her mum said I was pretty and she told me Matt said, "Yeah, isn't she? I might ask her out." Debbie said Matt told her he was going to come up and ask Mum & Dad if he could take me out to dinner. But when they saw me in the supermarket Matt was going with someone else at that time. So I doubt he would have said that. I think Debbie was telling stories. She's very good at that. Anyway it made me feel really good. I'll just believe her until I know it's not true because it's fun knowing (or thinking anyway) that someone likes you.

5th February 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-02-10T20:58:00.000+10:00

Karina didn't ask Brad last night. There were too many people around and she didn't get a chance. She said he likes Theresa now (she's a real dog). But I hope he says yes when Karina asks because she's really counting on it and she'd feel awful if he said no. I still like Brad but I don't really care much anymore. I'm in one of those "I-don't-care-about-boys-anymore" moods at the moment. Karina told me today that when Brad finds out the girl he likes likes him, he loses interest. And I don't feel like wasting my time on someone who feels that way. He just needs to grow up a bit!

I was hoping to get a letter from Ann or Paul (or maybe Eric) today, but no such luck. It's been three weeks since I wrote to Paul. He's written to his family and Yoko. She let us read the letter apart from one 'secret' bit. They really puzzle me. There must be something between them. Yoko's not talking to us very much lately, I don't know why. Karina and I want to get to know Nic. But we're too shy to talk to him.

4th February 1985 (Monday)

2010-02-04T05:00:00.000+10:00

Karina's asking Brad tonight to be her partner. He'll say yes for sure. Rick and his mum won't let him say no. I wish I got to see him more often. Karina sees him about 4 times a week. It's not fair.

Karina and I are on the magazine committee for the Grade 12 Camp. We have to put out an information booklet for the camp in two weeks. I really want to be an important Grad 12, where the Grade 8's or 9's say, "Hey, there's Tara Benning," when I walk by. But I don't know how to do it. Today we had a sports meeting for the school swimming carnival coming up. The Grade 12's always get to be the cheerleaders but because 'there wasn't a good enough response' for entries into the events, the stupid teacher gave the job to the scungy Grade 8's & 9's. We were furious. It really stinks! We feel ripped off.

I taught John Myall today. It went well. I hope he understood me. My piano teacher rang this afternoon and I start my lessons again on Thursday.

Karina brought the photo Rick's mum took of the five of us looking into the fish pond. There's Brad, me, Karina, Nerida and Rick (in that order). The height difference between Brad and me looks ridiculous. It's so noticeable, it looks funny. I'm glad she brought the photo because I'd forgotten what he looks like. I've forgotten again now.

Joanne and Donna came up this afternoon to give Geoff the trophy Geoff & Jo's team won for tennis. It gets passed around the whole team.

3rd February 1985 (Sunday)

2010-02-03T05:00:00.000+10:00

I did nothing much today. But I did do my homework. I wonder what Brad really does think of me. I guess I won't see him for ages but if he doesn't like me I'm not sure I really want to see him.

2nd February 1985 (Saturday)

2010-02-02T11:50:00.000+10:00

Nothing out of the usual happened at work today. I came home and played computer games. Then I came in to have a rest. I was lying on the bed and a good song came on the radio so I started taping it but I fell asleep so the whole tape was filled with rubbish when I woke up. I was hoping to get a phone call from Karina to ask me to the dance but she's obviously too selfish to let me even see Brad. Karina always gets everything better than me. She was Ann's best friend, they always left me out, she's better at school, she' got neater handwriting, she's got more friends and she's got more music students than me. But the worst thing is she sees Brad more than me, and she doesn't give me any opportunities to see him. If he likes me he likes me, if he doesn't he doesn't. Neither of us can do anything to help that, but she's trying her hardest. I know how she feels. I felt the same with Joanne and Peter. But I realized it wasn't Joanne's fault Peter likes her, she's just the lucky one. Why can't Karina realize that? Not that Brad likes me. But she won't give me a chance to find out. I almost don't want to go as much as I do. I know Brad would have ignored me again and I'd only be depressed but I always like to find out, even if it does hurt.

We went to mass in Bodallin tonight. My cousins were there, Owen & Trent, and my second cousins Melissa & Katelyn. They're all quite young but they're my favourite cousins.

1st February 1985 (Friday)

2010-02-01T18:21:00.000+10:00

Well, I've started the school year well. I told myself I was going to do Friday's homework on Friday to leave the weekend free. Yeah, you guessed it, I haven't done any.

We talked to Nicolas today. Karina got him to translate her letter from her French penpal. He's not near as bad looking as I thought. He's really quite good looking. He doesn't speak English very well though. Karina and I would really like to get to know him well. We find exchange students very interesting.

Karina and I have 4 classes together which is really great. Just as long as we don't talk or else we may fail!

Today Karina wouldn't stop talking about Brad, which is nothing unusual, but today she said she thinks Brad likes me because at their camp last weekend she mentioned something about me and he seemed very interested. What she said she couldn't remember. But, anyway, I'm not getting too excited about it. I've been told that before and I was only disappointed. I only wonder how many times Karina will tell me that when she knows he doesn't like me. I think she's making it all up because Brad's no more interested in me than Prince Andrew. It's bad when best friends are in love with the same guy. It causes quite a few problems. But every guy one of us likes, we usually both end up liking him. Today I was trying to get Karina to take me to the Valleydale dance tomorrow night because Brad will be going, but she won't because she thinks I'll cut her out. I must admit, when I'm talking to a favourite guy of mine I forget about everyone else. But I would not cut Karina out tomorrow because 1. he won't talk to me, and 2. if he does he'll talk to both of us anyway. I guess I'm glad she won't take me because I'll only get upset anyway. She got real angry when I kept asking her and she got into a huff. We're so much alike that when we have a tiff, neither of us apologizes or anything, we just start talking again.

Melissa's Maths teacher, Mr Brand, was my Grade 8 P.E. teacher and when he asked her her name she said, 'Melissa Benning', and he said, 'as in "Tara Benning"?' I knew someone would realize we're sisters. Lots of people think we look alike but we don't really. No one ever asks Geoff if he's our brother. He probably looks different because he's got fairer hair and we've got dark hair.

31st January (Thursday)

2010-01-31T16:42:00.000+10:00

Well I'm finally a big Grade '12'. It feels good but not much different really. It was good to go back to school and see all my friends again. I'm in two, maybe three classes with Karina which is really good because last year I wasn't in any with her. I met the exchange student from Switzerland. He's not exactly as cute as I hoped but I guess he's not really bad. He's very, very, very tall and wears glasses. His name is Nicholas. He's from a French speaking area.

I found out today that Donna Willett was put off her part-time job because she'd turned 18. I enjoyed going to work with Donna.

I'm going to try to get a part-time job at a hairdresser's and give up my job at the supermarket. I'm hoping it'll give me a better chance of getting a full-time job there next year. But I doubt I'll get a part-time job there, let alone a full-time one.

Mum rang Jan Myall this afternoon to see if her son, John, could start piano lessons on Monday. I know she will be much more reliable than Mrs Flynn.

30th January 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-01-31T16:35:00.000+10:00

Today I made a chef of myself. I cooked a chocolate cheesecake, the same one we made at Joanne's. Then I made the potatoes for tea. I learnt a new way, also at Joanne's.

I start school in the morning. I don't mind. I'm looking forward to it really. I'm also looking forward to asking Paul to partner me. Only if he says yes!

29th January 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-01-31T16:32:00.000+10:00

Mum went into town today. I got her to get some things for my cooking tomorrow. I've only got one day of holidays left. It was Melissa's first day at high school today. I drove down to pick her up from the bus stop. She loved it. It'll be good having her at the same school. I've been to school for eleven years and only three have been at the same school as her.

I read the book Donna lent me today. It was really good. I read the whole book in one day. Karina rang me today. Right when I was cooking potato salad. I burnt it! Anyway she couldn't stop talking about Brad. Their Rural Youth Group went on a camp on the weekend. I was crying when she was talking to me. She didn't know though. She was saying how she thinks Brad's mum wants her to ask Brad to partner her for her debut. It was really depressing me. Mum rang Aunty Pat (Mason's mum) last night to see about him partnering me. He's taken on a lot at uni so he probably can't do it. So it looks like it'll be Paul Street (Eric's brother). I really want him to, I think he's very nice. He may not be able to do it because he goes to boarding school. But he already knows how to dance so he wouldn't be disadvantaged if he missed a few practices. Aunty Kaye (she & Leonie train the Catholic debs) said boys from boarding school have done it before so I hope he can. Aunty Kaye was very sympathetic towards my finger. She's really nice. She's a terrific aunty. I told her how I wanted Brad to partner me but Karina wanted him. She told me to get in before Karina. I like the way she says things like that. Mum never would.

28th January 1985 (Monday)

2010-01-28T05:00:00.000+10:00

Donna & Joanne made cushions for their beds today & I read a condensed novel from a magazine. I'm home now. I came home after tea. I really enjoyed myself at Willett's. Donna gave me a book to read & I wrote out a few recipes before I left. They're all such good cooks down there. Donna is training to become a Home Economics teacher.

27th January 1985 (Sunday)

2010-01-27T05:00:00.000+10:00

We went up to the Tooradin store today to do some shopping for the cooking we did afterwards. Mum rang to see when I was going home. I told her about my finger and said it didn't look too good so she came down to have a look at it. She used to be a nurse. She said it would be alright and redressed it. I'm having a great time down here. We muck around all the time. I wish I lived here.

26th January 1985 (Saturday)

2010-01-26T05:00:00.000+10:00

Today I had fun. I went to the ambulance. I cut my finger on the meat slicer at at work. It's not very bad but it's a good play for sympathy. Although I push my luck at times!

We went to mass tonight in town and Eric was there. I talked to him for awhile. I asked him about Brad and he said, "You're not still chasing him are you?" I don't know why he's telling me to forget him. He wanted Brad and I to get together earlier on. Donna, Joanne & I are sleeping outside tonight so we can gossip.

25th January (Friday)

2010-01-25T07:20:00.000+10:00

Aunty Kaye and Uncle Frank came down here for tea tonight so we made a cheesecake this morning. Then we rang home to see if the boys and Melissa wanted to play tennis. They did so we played tennis and then we played handball. It was good fun. They went home today. We had to walk home on the road. We only got one offer for a lift. Of course we said no. Then we cooked more when we got home.

24th January 1985 (Thursday)

2010-01-25T07:17:00.001+10:00

I didn't see Peter Napier at all today. I saw Paul & Peter No.2 for a little while. I'm at Joanne's now and they're going home tomorrow so I won't see them for awhile.

I came down at about 1:30. We rode the bikes up the back road and I killed my legs. We played the piano and organ for awhile after that we had tea. Everyone eats so fast down here and I'm always last by a long way. How embarrassing.

23rd January 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-01-25T07:13:00.001+10:00

Chris turned fourteeen today and we had a party for him. But I'll get onto that later.

I was playing on the computer this morning and Peter came over to ask me to do some sewing for him. I felt good that he asked me but I can't sew very well. He wanted me to take down the hem from his long pants. All I did was pin them, I got Mum to sew them. Then he got me to cut his hair. It's so short already and there was hardly anything to cut. I just did what he said but I probably really ruined his whole lifestyle by cutting it wrong. He said it looked better anyway. We went swimming again today. Peter didn't come for about an hour after we got there because he said, "The men needed my valuable assistance."

We had a nice BBQ planned for Chris's party. We were going to have Nan & Kevin, Aunty Kaye, Uncle Frank, Peter, Paul & Peter No.2 along with Grandma, Grandfather & Dan (Mum's brother) who were coming out from town. But Aunty Kaye and her group couldn't make it because they went to Aunty Kaye's friend's for tea. And Grandfather had bookwork to do, so he couldn't make it. And on top of all that, it stormed and washed out our barbie.

Ben, Chris & Natasha left with Grandma tonight. They were beginning to get on my nerves so I'm glad they've gone. Chris is OK but Ben & Natasha are pains.

22nd January 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-01-22T05:00:00.000+10:00

Mum went into town today so I wrote a letter to Paul O'L before she went so I could get her to post it today. It was a pretty dull letter!

Last night Geoff, Chris, Paul & Peter (Paul's friend) didn't go to sleep at all. They got into big trouble this morning and weren't allowed to go swimming. So us girls went with Peter Napier. I'm getting on really well with Peter. I don't mind at all that he only likes me as a friend. It's just when he doesn't talk to me much that I get angry with him. I like to be the popular person with eveyone talking to me. But everyone has dreams.

Joanne rang me today and asked me down to her place for a few days. I'm going to Thursday after lunch.

21st January 1985 (Monday)

2010-01-21T05:00:00.000+10:00

Today was really great. I didn't see Peter until we went swimming at about 2:30. We were down there for about an hour and a half. I was talking to Paul for awhile about David and he's a real little sweetie. He's so cute. Takes after his big brother, David. Then a mud fight started. Geoff, Chris, Ben, Paul, Peter (Paul's friend) & Natasha against Peter Napier. Melissa & I were smart enough to just watch. Then when Peter got back in the water we had a really good talk. I'd forgotten what it was like to really talk to him. We used to talk alone for a long time every time he came up but lately he has been neglecting me, and with six boys and three girls here at the moment he doesn't usually spend any time with us. After swimming he asked us to go to Aunty Kaye's place so we did. He had a bad headache and Aunty Kaye had no Panadol so we had to come back here for that. Then he came into my bedroom and stayed here for over an hour. I cleaned his toenails and cut them for him. I like doing things for him. Then he tried to go to sleep. But I wouldn't let him. Then Paul & Peter (the other one) came over to collect him. We all played pool at Nan's tonight with the exception of Mr Napier who went to sleep right after dinner.

20th January 1985 (Sunday)

2010-01-20T05:00:00.000+10:00

Not much happened today but I did a lot of thinking. We went swimming at the river and Peter pushed me under and I got a nose full of water. I got in a stink but it didn't last long. We went to mass at Ridgehaven tonight. Mum was talking about deb partners again. She told me to ring Mason but I said I didn't want to so she said she would. She didn't today but she will. I asked her about Eric but she said he was too young. Then I asked about Brad but she said to ask Mason first. I hope Mason says no because I want Brad but I bet Brad would say no, too.

19th January 1985 (Saturday)

2010-01-19T05:00:00.000+10:00

Kelly was finally at work this morning. And her hair is the same as mine! We both changed it the same way without each other knowing. Yoko came in to see me this morning. She gave me Paul's address. Anyway, enough of that rubbish. On to the good stuff. Of course it's about the dance. Brad did go but he completely ignored me all night. Eric didn't know why. I was talking to Eric a great deal tonight and had two dances with him. Eric is very, very, very nice. I really like him. But no more than a friend. I was really depressed when Brad ignored me. I was so upset I could have cried BUT beautiful Bryant came in and asked me for a dance. Then I forgot all my worries about Brad because Bryant gave me all the attention I wanted. I've like him for about two years (that is, when I see him). David Barrett's younger brother Paul and his friend Peter have been at Aunty Kaye's since Friday and they went to the dance. I had two dances with Paul but during the second dance with Paul, Bryant got Melissa up so we swapped partners and I got to dance with Bryant. He's so gorgeous. Will Roley went and he really likes Jo. He gave me a sweet smile and said hello but I looked the other way. I had a total of 8 dances tonight. One with Peter Napier, one with Matt, two with Eric, one with an old bloke, two with Paul B AND most importantly one with Bryant.

18th January 1985 (Friday)

2010-01-18T10:04:00.000+10:00

I rang Jo today to tell her some good news. Peter is coming up tomorrow. He'll be going to the dance tomorrow night so she'll see him there. I can't wait until the dance. It better be good. In other words, Brad better go!

17th January 1985 (Thursday)

2010-01-17T05:00:00.000+10:00

We went to Brisbane today to pick up our cousins, Ben, Chris & Natasha. They'll be staying for about a week. We went swimming when we got home. We also bought two more computer games. One can only be played with a joystick so we'll have to buy one. I kept my hair the same (which is different from usual) and everyone seems to like it so I'll probably keep it like this although I am getting a bit sick of it. Natasha's sleeping with me while they're here so I have to hurry while I'm writing my diary.

16th January 1985 (Wednesday)

2010-01-16T05:00:00.000+10:00

I rang Karina today and Arlene was there, too. Karina is going out to Brad's place tonight to watch a video. She's so lucky! I wish I saw him as much as she does. We talked about deb partners and I told her I wanted Brad but so does she. I feel like asking him at the dance this weekend but I'd have to ask Karina if she minded and she would so I won't get to ask him.

I changed my hair today. I brushed it over to the side. I like it and Melissa said she likes it better but I don't know whether to keep it like this or not. Brad might not like it and that's really my only concern. Everything about Brad is confusing me. The more I think about it the more confused I get. I wonder if Brad will ever like me and I think about both answers but I can't come up with a conclusion. Sometimes I wonder why I like him at all, I hardly know him. It seems like all my depression is for nothing. But I do like him. I can't help it. I wonder what he's doing now. I wonder what Karina is doing. She's probably glad to be near him but upset that he's not treating her the way she wants him to. That's how I feel whenever I'm with him. It's the fact that he's so close yet unobtainable that depresses me. I feel like he's torturing me. I hate it and I wish he meant nothing to me then I wouldn't be hurting like I am now. I'm sure he'll be the same at the dance but there is that slight chance. I hope Eric goes. He pushes Brad along a bit. I just hope he doesn't push too hard or my chance will be no chance.

15th January 1985 (Tuesday)

2010-01-15T05:00:00.000+10:00

We went into town today, Mum, Melissa and I. Melissa was really getting on my nerves. I'm glad I went though because I saw Karina and Arlene. I spoke to them for a few seconds because Mum was in a hurry. But then I saw them again when Mum was in the supermarket so I was talking to them for quite awhile. I wish more people liked me. I mean genuinely liked me. I feel very lonely and as if no one cares about me. Karina wanted to stay and talk to me but Arlene kept saying she wanted to leave. She doesn't like me but I wish she would. I like her. On Sunday in the pool I was right on the edge and the others were throwing a ball around. Arlene threw it and it hit me on the face. She must have meant it because it would have been easy to miss. I wasn't even in the way. The others didn't seem to worry too much. At least the Streets talk about me in their home, Arlene was telling me Mrs Street told Brad that Karina was older than him (by 24 days) and she said, "Wouldn't it be funny if Tara was older than you because she's such a little thing and you're such a big thing." I keep asking myself what I did so Brad doesn't like me. I might think too much of myself and he may not like that, although I never mean too. There must be some reason because Erick was so sure he liked me. And I can't think of any reason why Eric would lie to me. I really want Brad to partner me for my debut. But I can't ask before Karina does or she'll never speak to me again. And I value her friendship too much for that. But if she asks and he says no, there's no reason he'd say yes to me. Brad's the only person I want as a partner but I never usually get what I want and this time won't be any different. There's a dance on this weekend at Tooradin. I really don't know whether to go or not. I want to see Brad but not if he doesn't particularly want to see me. I guess I will go though because there's always a chance something may happen and I'm not one to pass up on a chance, especially where Brad is concerned.