8th February 1985 (Friday)

The weekend at last!!  I've only been back at school for one week and one day but it seems like months.

Today has to be ONE of the worst days of my life.  I've never felt so let down or neglected ever.  Roselise was telling me about a tape Paul O'L had done for Yoko before he left.  She said, "Some of the things Paul said were very personal and it sounded like they are in love."  I felt bad after that because Yoko didn't let me listen to the tape.  But that was nothing compared to what else happened.  I told Karina what Roselise had told me and I could see she knew something I didn't know.  I asked her what it was but she said Yoko had a deep discussion with her when she stayed at Karina's place but she couldn't tell me what Yoko said.  But I could tell she told her Paul and herself were much, much more than good friends.  And Karina gave me enough hints to tell me I was right.  I was so angry!  Firstly because Yoko had told Roselise & Karina but not me (her supposedly best friend).  But I was extremely upset at the fact she'd been lying to me all this time.  And not just small, "stretching-the-truth" lies but downright lies to the worst extreme.  She must think a lot of me!  What did she think I'd do?  Commit suicide or something.  I'm not that weak that I can't handle it.  I hate Yoko so much today.  I couldn't even look at her after I found out.  If there's one thing I can't handle, it's being lied to.  I crack up.  I feel like absolutely nothing & nobody when people lie to me.  And to think, Yoko's just been making me look like a total fool.  I've been telling her how much I like Paul and she kept saying, "I don't know how you could like him that way."  The BITCH!  Why couldn't she tell me the truth?  She also asked Karina if I was using her to get at Paul.  I wasn't!  But now she can think what she likes.  I really did like her but she's not really the person I liked now I've found out the truth about her.  She's a totally different person.  And if all this isn't bad enough!  To make my day worse I come home to find a letter from Paul on the kitchen table.  I've never felt so dumb.  Yoko probably told Paul everything I told her.  And, believe me, I told her everything.  I almost felt like tearing the letter up.  I'd told Karina I wasn't going to write to him anymore & I hoped he wouldn't write back.  The letter started just fine when he spelt my name with a small 't' (which is exactly what Will did and he hated me).  The letter was a letter that a brother would send.  It was so bad I could even show Mum & Dad.  I can't even show Eric's letter to them!  Then, to make me feel even worse, he ended with "Yours sincerely"!  I couldn't believe it.  He didn't even put 'Your friend' or anything.  It was the most impersonal closing he could get!!  I don't' want to write to him anymore but Mum would ask me why I wasn't, so I guess I'll have to!  I've never felt so unimportant before.  I'm really depressed.  I cried this afternoon & I feel like slapping Yoko across the face.  The LYING DOG!