31st December 1984 (Monday)

Well, it's the last day of 1984.  Today was still as boring as ever.  I'm sitting at home on New Year's Eve, listening to the radio and writing my diary.  I don't mind though.  I can't see the sense in staying up late just to see the clock strike 12, Big Deal.  You wake up the next morning and it's still New Year's Day.  Why watch the very first minute of it?  We're going down to Aunty Pat's and Uncle Henry's again tomorrow which is good.   I need something to break this boredom.  I was so bored today that I read for five hours with a break for lunch.  (I finished the book).  Mum made me a dress today.  I think it looks alright but I'm not sure.

30th December 1984 (Sunday)

Nothing at all has been happening lately and I'm terribly bored.  Dad's cousins from Mackay came to Nan's today and we had lunch over at her place.  Aunty Cor and Owen and Trent also came up.  That's all that happened for the whole day.  I was so bored that I cooked again.

29th December 1984 (Saturday)

There were hardly any customers at work this morning, it was very boring.  I had to work with Donna Hemlock.  She's nice but a bit wild.  Mr Myer (the boss) went off at me twice.  Shane Ludbrock invited me to his New Year's Eve party but I don't think I'll go.  We went to mass in town tonight but Paul wasn't there.  Jo went though and I had a few words with her.

28th December 1984 (Friday)

Today was very boring, dull, uninteresting, event-less etc.  All I did all day was play games and cook again.  Although I did do my piano practice for the first time since my lesson about a month ago.  The holidays are a real drag unless someone's here.  I hope to get Joanne up again soon.  I have to work tomorrow and Kelly won't be there so I don't really want to go.  Work's bad enough without Kelly being away.

27th December 1984 (Thursday)

I got a Christmas card from Ann.  I was very glad to hear from her.  She also sent me her school photograph.  It was reallly nice.

I cooked a slice today.  I haven't cooked for ages but this recipe was so simple.  It's from a cook book Mum got for Christmas.

Paul still hasn't called.  I wish he would.

26th December 1984 (Wednesday)

Mason & Aaron (his brother) and Aunty Pat came up today and we had lunch at Nan's with them.  Joanne came up to give me my Christmas present today.  She gave me a gorgeous calendar.  It's got really cute pictures for every month.  I dropped hers in their mailbox yesterday.  I was so tired today that I went to sleep at Nan's for about 1 hour.  I wonder if Paul will ring me?  I really hope he does, but I doubt it.  I've eaten so much that I've put on 3kgs in 3 weeks.  How disgusting.  I'll have to try and do something about that.  I'm 53kgs and I want to be 45-47.  But I doubt it very much that I'll make it.

25th December 1984 (Tuesday)

Today was great.  I love Christmas.  First, to start the day, Mum's parents and her sister's family and her brother came to our place.  We had just our family's presents then we had Mum's side's presents.  After that I gave a little concert to them all.  I used to be very shy at playing the piano in front of people but now I quite enjoy it.  After this we went to Aunty Pat & Uncle Henry's place for lunch (they are Mason's parents).  To get to their place we have to go down a back road.  It's fairly long and I drove on it.  I shouldn't have really because I don't have a license but cars rarely travel on it.  It's the first time I've driven on a public road.  When we got home we had presents at Nan's with Dad's side of the family.  I handed them out.  After this we had Christmas dinner.

Dad gave Mum a beautiful marcasite watch.  She was so surprised.  She'd been admiring it in the jeweller's window for years.

24th December 1984 (Monday)

Well, it's the day before Christmas.  I love Christmas time, especially being around the whole family.  We went to Christmas mass tonight.  We took Yoko because Drydens (the people she's staying with) aren't Catholics and Yoko is.  Yoko did say something to Paul about the party.  She always says the right thing at the right time.  She also told me Paul will ring me to thank me for the Christmas card.  I can't wait until he does.  Yoko told me next year's exchangee is a guy from Switzerland.  He'll also be in Grade 12.  I hope he's cute!  We went over to Nan's after mass tonight.  We always do on Christmas Eve, just for a drink and some Christmas cake.  I can't wait until tomorrow.

23rd December 1984 (Sunday)

Joanne's grandfather died today.  He'd been ill for quite some time.  Mum went down to see if she could do anything for the Willetts which meant I had to milk.  I haven't been over to the dairy for months.  I hate milking.  It's so boring.  I hope I don't marry a dairy farmer.

Chloe and Karen left this morning.  They may be coming back later in the holidays.  I hope so because we get terribly bored if no one is here except us.

Mum and Dad went to a Christening this morning so we had lunch at Nan's.  They also went to Johnson's for a sort of Christmas party.

I was helping Melissa sew today.  It's her first attempt.  She's doing very well, but, like me, she has very little patience.

Melissa and I watched "Romeo & Juliette" tonight.  Seeing love stories really makes me feel lonely.  I feel I need someone to love me but I don't think it will ever happen.

22nd December 1984 (Saturday)

I went to work this morning and saw something which shook me up quite a bit.  Paul T was holding hands with Robyn Flemming, who is one of the biggest dags in the school.  That means Paul T must go for the daggy girls which says a lot for me!  It also means he didn't like me after all, either that or he gave up, but I don't think he really did like me.

We went swimming in the river today with Karen and Chloe.  The water was beautiful. 

This morning Mum booked a unit at Sandpiper (where I went with Willetts) for next year.  We're going in the first two weeks of the Christmas holidays.  I can't wait!

Peter found out his T.E. score today.  He got 905 which is also very good.  My brain of a cousin Mason Benning, of course, got 990.

We went to mass tonight and I saw Paul O'L.  It was really great seeing him again.  I was going to talk to him but he came to me instead!  He said, "What's this I hear about you, Miss Benning?"  I didn't have a clue what he was talking about.  And he said I should have taken it for granted that I was invited to his farewell party.  You see, I was saying to Yoko that I didn't thank he'd invite me.  Anyway, Yoko must have told him, I'm glad she did.  Mum must be going to let me go because she told me to think about a present to buy for him.  His party is on the 13th and I can't wait.  The bad part is, he's leaving 4 days after.  I'm really going to miss him.

Chloe came with us to mass tonight because Aunty Kaye & Uncle Frank took Nan & Kevin so there wasn't enough room for Karen and Chloe in their car.  We went to Bodallin and the others went to Hilldale.  I'm glad we went into town because I saw Paul.

21st December 1984 ( Friday)

Well, I'm home.  I had to leave at 6am.  I came home with Mr Willett.  Karen and Chloe are at Aunty Kaye's place.  They are Peter's sisters.  I arrived home at 7am and was at Aunty Kaye's most of the day.  She was baby sitting the next door neighbour's two girls and baby boy, so we helped.  David Barrett found out his T.E. score today, he got 970 which is very good considering 990 is the highest possible score.  970 is the minimum requirement for vet science at Uni which is what he wants to do, so he made it!

20th December 1984 (Thursday)

Today we went roller skating.  I'm absolutely hopeless.  But it was fun.  We sunbaked at the beach but didn't go swimming in it because the water was freezing.  So we went swimming in the pool and then sunbaked again.  I got burnt so I hope it goes brown.

19th December 1984 (Wednesday)

It's Peter's birthday today and Joanne sent him a card.  We went to Sea World all day today and it was fun.  We went on 13 rides.  I bought Ann a postcard and I'll send it tomorrow.   We haven't seen those guys since last night, it's very depressing.  We went walking along the beach this afternoon and went in the spa for a few minutes.  At Sea World we went on the Corkscrew 6 times and we had to sit in the front seat because that's where I saw Joey sitting in a magazine.  I sat in both sides so I have definitely sat in the same spot as him.  How thrilling!!!

18th December 1984 (Tuesday)

I finally got to the coast!  We were swimming in the pool for ages then we went to Pacific Fair.  I got Mum's Christmas present, some perfume.

Joanne gave me the biggest surprise of my life, and best one, too.  SEVEN PICTURES OF JOEY PERRONE!!!  Real live ones.  He was performing at Pacific Fair all last week and she took some photos.  And I missed him!!

We were looking out the bedroom window tonight and these two guys in the next unit's spa started waving and blowing kisses at us.  I asked them how old they were and one was 17, I don't know the other one's age.  They were telling us to come down but we didnt.  We hope they're cute.  We couldn't tell from five floors up, in the dark.  Anyway, we'll probably see them tomorrow, I hope.

I saw Joey on TV tonight and nearly fainted.

17th December 1984 (Monday)

I'm finally going to the coast tomorrow!!  Today was boring.  Although I was ironing and the cord shorted out.  There were flames and sparks and it scared the hell out of me.  Practically all I did today was iron, watch TV & swim on the tramp.  I can't wait until tomorrow!

15th December 1984 (Saturday)

I went to another Tooradin Dance tonight and when I arrived I wanted to go straight home again.  But it ended up to be OK.  I knew that none of my friends were going but I thought either Brad's family or Eric's family of Streets may go.  But neither did.  That's why I wanted to go home.  But then Karen Johnson started talking to me and it was alright after that.  I only had 2 dances in the end.  There were no guys there at all to dance with.  Benny Schneider came in for a few minutes and I haven't seen him for about a year.  He has a twin, Bryant, and they moved to Mt Isa last year but come back for the holidays.  Anyway, I liked either Benny or Bryant or both for a total of about a year, but being the most popular guys in Bodallin, I didn't have a chance.  Although at one dance Bryant held my hand and had his hand on my knee.  But I was only 14 and I didn't know what to do because I'd never had a boyfriend so nothing came of it (worst luck).  They're both absolutely gorgeous.

Work today was the same as usual...dull.

14th December 1984 (Friday)

Today was the last day of school for the primary schoolers and the grade 8s & 9s.  Tooradin School (my old school) had a break-up day picnic and we went down.  Yoko also came.  It was quite a good day.  They had races and a treasure hunt for the school kids but the best part was the concert they put on.  Melissa was in the choir and I had to tape myself playing the piano music for them.  The teacher thanked me and everyone clapped and I was very embarrassed.  Adam Brandt is only in grade 9 but he is very cute, he also went.

Yoko asked me about the camp again and I really wanted to go, but Mum said no.  I asked Yoko to ask Paul O'L, the Zimmermanns, Karina, Paul T and anyone else if they would like to come here on Monday to go swimming in the river.  I don't think they'll come because they all went on the camp and she thinks it goes until Monday night.  I paid Yoko the money for Paul's present today and now I wish I didn't.  He probably thinks of me the same way I think of Teddo (Paul Teddington) and giving him a present will only make it worse.

13th December 1984 (Thursday)

Today was great!!  We went into the city first and I bought a few Christmas presents:  A travelling bag, pencil and rubber for Geoff and Melissa; a rubber each for Matthew and Shamus (my piano students); chocolate coated nuts for Dad; writing paper for Yoko; talcum powder for Jo and that's it.  I bought a t-shirt top for $10, it's yellow and I really like it.  Mum bought some coloured material for shorts for me and Mel.  I bought a book of theme songs to play on the piano.  Nan gave me $5 to buy my present from Kevin so I got a different theme song book (it was a bit more that $5 so I paid extra).  Grandma said to buy music up to $10 from her for Xmas so I bought another Richard Clayderman book.  It should be great (it was also more so I had to pay extra again).  Mum bought me some very nice shoes and material to make me a dress.  So altogether I spent $43.45.  Yoko had her hair permed on top and it's not too bad!  After this we went to Sunny Court, a Chinese Restaurant.  The meal was delicious but it was so big I couldn't even fit in dessert!!!  There was a waiter there who must be one of the most gorgeous guys I've ever seen in my life.  He was so cute.  I had a fun day with Yoko and I even saw Cathy O'Leary (Paul's cousin) whom I've only seen twice since she went to boarding school this year.  Yoko and I were talking about Paul a lot and I still really like him.  She bought him a diary for Christmas and said I could go halves so I think I will.  It wasn't very expensive but at least he'll remember me.  I just hope he doesn't think badly of it, after the term dance he's hardly spoken to  me.  But then again, I've hardly seen him.  Rural Youth are going on a camp this weekend and Yoko asked me to go.  I'd like to because Yoko, Karina, Louise and especially Paul are all going but Mum said no, so I guess I won't be going.

12th December 1984 (Wednesday)

Mum went out to a progressive dinner tonight.  I don't know what it was for.  She's in quite a few organizations and I never know what she does for which one.

I wrote out a Christmas card to Ann tonight and will send it to her tomorrow, when we go to Brisbane.

I didn't go jogging this afternoon but I swam on the trampoline instead.  What we do is tie the hose onto the tramp, let it run, then jump.  It's a good way to get brown, fit and it's fun all at the same time.

I did some dusting today and cleaned some walls for Mum.  That's pretty unusual because I usually do nothing.  I'm very lazy.

I'm really looking forward to three things at the moment:  Tomorrow; My stay at the coast; and Christmas.  I love the atmosphere around Christmas.  It puts me in a good mood.

11th December 1984 (Tuesday)

Karina rang me today and we talked for an hour about nothing important.  I'm glad she rang, I was pretty bored.  Although I have been doing a lot of reading lately.  Karina got a postcard from Ann today.

I wrapped Nan's Christmas presents for her today.  She gets me to do it every year, I don't mind.  But I had to wrap my own present which was disappointing as it ruined my surprise.  It is beautiful though but I won't mention it until Christmas.

I did jog again this afternoon!

10th December 1984 (Monday)

I got a postcard from Ann today which was great.  I'll have to send her a Chrissy card soon.  Although I won't have much news to tell her.

I went jogging down the hill this afternoon with Mel.  It's only about 800m but that's plenty for me!  I'll try to do it every afternoon but I'm pretty lazy.

Mum & I are going shopping in Brisbane with Mrs Dryden (Yoko's host mother) and Yoko on Thursday.  Yoko said she might ask Paul to come.  I hope he does but I doubt he will.

I'm dying to go down to the coast.  It should be great fun.

I keep forgetting to write this piece of info...
Louise confirmed my thoughts about Paul Teddington at the dance on Saturday night.  She said he's after me and that he's really sweet.  Maybe he is but I'm not interested.  Today, guys don't matter to me.  But that won't last for long!!!

9th December 1984 (Sunday)

Peter and David went home today.  They said they might come back after Christmas.  I really hope they do.  Today I felt very upset because I felt neglected.  I like those guys a lot, but as per usual, they don't care.  At the moment I'm really looking forward to going down to the coast with Jo.

8th December 1984 (Saturday)

Work this morning was pretty boring (as usual).

I went for a ride on the bike with Peter today.  I love going with him because he goes so fast.

All the excitement of the day actually happened tonight.  I just arrived back from a Hilldale Dance.  There was a very poor crowd but I had a great time.  We went with Aunty Kaye, Uncle Frank, Peter & David.  The amazing thing was that I didn't miss one dance (for the first time) AND I won the lucky spot with David (we won a block of chocolate).  I danced with David and Peter every time but had 1 dance with Uncle Frank.  At first, Dave & Peter were fighting over who was going to dance with me.  I was having a great time, then the Rockabilly came on.  David & I, and Peter & Denise Myall were going crazy and having a great time but then David started to mention his girlfriend Christine a lot.  I must have been making it obvious that I like him.  On the way home in the car I felt bad because I had 2 great guys beside me but neither would even give me a second glance.  I'm still trying but it's a hard life.  I don't think I have that many traits that turn guys off, I must be just grossly unlucky (or I am wrong about the traits (?) ).

7th December 1984 (Friday)

I am going to the coast with the Willetts now.  In about 1 1/2 weeks.

We got our reports today.  I got 1 Very High Achievement, 2 Highs & 3 Sounds.

We also went to dancing lessons tonight.  It was fun, Peter & David went.  Paul & Yoko didn't make it but I didn't really mind.  I like David now.  I know it's a waste of time because he'll never like me and I think he's had one girlfriend for 6 months but......

Paul T went and I was stirring him.  It was fun.  Sandra Klein & her friend (I hate both of them) were hanging around him because he had his stereo system there.  Anyway, I went over to him & said, "Nice girls, Paul", and he thought I was jealous (which I intended).  It was fun.  The Paul O'L bit obviously didn't work.  Bevan went and a bit of rivalry went on between him & Peter over Joanne.  Nothing verbal just eye contact.  Poor Bevan.

6th December 1984 (Thursday)

Last night was bad.  Yesterday was worse.  We went swimming at the river and Peter made his move.  He was talking to Joanne and then I remembered I had to teach a piano lesson, so we all headed back.  I was first back at the tractor and I saw Peter & Joanne walking back holding hands.  I kept telling myself I wouldn't mind if Jo & Pete got together but when I saw them I proved myself wrong.  I don't know why I felt jealous of Joanne.  Either because she had a guy or because she had Peter.  Last night David and Peter said they'd come over to our place but it was late & they still didn't come so Jo & I went to get them from Aunty Kaye & Uncle Frank's.  Then we went to play pool at Nan's.  I got very angry with them because they were ignoring me & always lied to us.

But I've cooled down today.  Today was good.  We went swimming today, again.  And this time I went too.  (Yesterday I only watched).  Everyone else had gone in but me.  I always take ages to go in water.  Peter kept getting out & jumping in again.  Once he went behind me and "accidentally?" slipped in, pushing me in too.  I loved it of course.  I heard David say, when I took off my t-shirt & shorts, "Mm, not bad," to Peter.  I was the only one out of water so I think he was talking about me.  I hope he was.  We went bike riding today.  Jo & Peter and David & me.  It was fun.  Peter had been avoiding Jo today and when she was riding on the bike with him he told her to forget about it, that she lived too far away.  I feel sorry for her because she really likes him.  She went home tonight. She asked me to go down to the coast with them for a few days but I don't think Mum is going to let me go.  Mrs Willett has 4 clots in her leg.  But I really wanted to go.

4th December 1984 (Tuesday)

Today was pretty good.  I went bike riding (on the farm motorbike) with Peter, David & Geoff.  Peter was doubling me and I loved it.  We played tennis after that with Jo at the primary school I used to go to 700m away at the end of our track.  The boys rang her up but I didn't speak with her because I was jealous.  She is up here at the moment and she's staying for a few days.  Peter should enjoy that.

Joanne just read my whole diary and I'm very embarrassed.  She's watching me write this now (sticky beak).  Peter got very annoyed with me today.  Everything I did annoyed him.  He only has eyes for Jo.  That's depressing.  He's so cute.  David.  Joanne was complaining that I didn't mention David, so I did.

(Peter changed his shirt 3 times today.  Tara is dictating and I'm (Joanne) just writing.)

3rd December 1984 (Monday)

Well, this afternoon Peter and David came up.  If I want an easy way to forget Paul, it's Peter.  Peter is the first guy I ever really liked (when I was about 10).  Every time I see him I fall for him.  He still likes Joanne but Geoff and I are doing a pretty good job of warning him off.  Geoff likes Jo & I like Peter so we've got good reasons.  We told him if he wanted to go any further than talk (which he does) to forget it because she'd back off.  I'm pretty sure she would, anyway it's working.  I know he'll never like me the way I want him too but being with him makes me feel good so I'll have to be satisfied with friendship.

I really want to be loved and held by someone I care about but I'm sixteen and have never had a boyfriend.  And only dags have showed an interest in me.  Maybe I should join the nuns, or committing suicide might be a good idea.  It would have to be painless of course, I'm a coward.  I've often thought about an overdose of tablets but I don't know how many it would take or if it would work.  And if I do it I'd have to make sure I did it right.

2nd December 1984 ( Sunday)

I'm almost too tired to be doing this now but because I didn't write last night, I thought I'd better.

I went to work yesterday morning.  Kelly had to leave early because her sunburnt back was causing her so much pain.  It was so bad, she was crying.  Poor thing.  So Donna came in again.

The Tooradin Dance was on last night.  Louise Zimmermann went.  She's a good friend from school.  Paul T. was also there.  He had a few dances with me.  I didn't have many dances last night.  Anyway I was talking to Louise & Jane (Louise's sister) about Paul O'L who is their step cousin.  I can't forget him.  Paul T. came over and sat with us and Jane said to him, "Tara's too good for Paul O'L, isn't she?"  Paul didn't know how to take it first but then he realized I'm crazy about Paul O'Leary.  I think (by the look on his face) that he was very hurt.  Bevan Bates also went to the dance which was a shock.  He never usually goes.

Today Nan had a pre-wedding party for her niece (Dad's cousin).  It was boring so I came back home.  I mainly watched TV today.  It's good having no school work to do.

I can't wait until tomorrow!!!  Peter Napier and his cousin David Barrett (also Aunty Kaye's nephew) are coming down.  I was getting bored today and dreading the holidays but now they're coming, it'll be good.

We went to mass tonight and Joanne went.  I couldn't wait to tell her and ask her up here to see Pete, but she practically ran away after mass, so I didn't get a chance.  She's very trendy and probably thinks I'm too daggy to be seen with.  Anyway, they're coming tomorrow afternoon & I can't wait.

The federal election was on yesterday & Labor got in again which is bad.  Our family is very much National supporters.  Mum & Dad are on all the committees and do a great deal for the party.

30th November 1984 (Friday)

Well, school's finished for another year.  It really doesn't seem like it.  I suppose it was because it was a cool day and the heat seems to signify Christmas and the end of school.  I guess what really meant the end of school today was the shaving-cream fight on the bus this afternoon.  They're fun, but messy.

I got some nice Christmas presents today.  Yoko gave me a pretty purse from Japan, Roselise gave me a beautiful statuette and Karina gave me 3 pairs of different sized 'pearl' earrings which was lovely.

Now I have to come to Paul.  I've made my decision.  It was the hardest choice but I think it will be better for me in the long run.  I chose to forget him.  It won't be easy, but I must try.  It nearly killed me at school today and I ignored him as much as possible. I think it's best if I don't join Yoko and give him a Christmas present.  I won't even give him a card.  It's very upsetting, but to me, Paul doesn't exist anymore.

I've just arrived home from dancing lessons.  None of my friends went.  Paul didn't go either.  I danced with Bevan again until Paul T & Mark Windsor arrived.  I was sitting with Bevan one side of me & Paul and Mark on the other side.  Anyway the dance started and Paul put his hand on my knee and said, "She's mine", then Bevan said, "Oh no she's not", and they started fighting over me.  Meanwhile, Mark grabbed my hand and got me up for the dance.  I thought it was very funny and it made me feel great.  Especially when other people noticed.

I got some results back today and I failed the Maths exam.  I was very disappointed.  My overall percent for the semester was 59% which is bad compared with Bevan's mark which was 98%!  And we do Maths I!!  I was very pleased with my Home Ec. result though.  I got 81%.  I really did try hard for Home Ec.  It's my favourite subject.

I found out what was wrong with Karina.  She thinks everyone always looks for me or talks to me and not her, which is absolute rubbish.  She shouldn't think things like that at all.

29th November 1984 (Thursday)

Last night I was much too upset to write in this diary.  The term dance, which I was so looking forward to, turned out to be a total disaster.  I was supposed to be selling drinks with Paul and Yoko (they both knew) and they went in without telling me.  That started the night just fine!  I got very annoyed at that.
And then, Yoko and Paul started dancing very close.  I got twice as angry and felt like going home.  Instead, I dragged Yoko away from Paul and said, "Do you really expect people to think you and Paul aren't going together?"  It was an absolutely terrible and mean thing to do.  It was totally an action of jealousy.  And if Paul wasn't angry with me already for telling him he should have told me about the drinks, he certainly was then.  He hardly said anything to me.
Then the breakdancing session came on and Paul did the best out of everyone.  I told him I thought it was good but he said as little as possible to me then walked away.  After these disasters what more could go wrong?  EVERYTHING!!!!!
I apologized to Yoko but didn't get the chance to apologize to Paul.  He started dancing with all the girls and meanwhile Tara was getting jealous and more jealous.  I was upset more than angry, so I sat in the supper room with Roselise and her boyfriend Paul Gordon.  Anyway Paul G asked me something about Paul O'L and I almost started crying.  Then he asked me if I'd danced with him yet and I really let go.  Paul G went to find Paul O'L to tell him I was crying.  So sweet, considerate, lovely, darling Paul O'L went looking for me (out of a feeling of necessity no doubt).  Anyway he was asking everyone where I was.  And then, he found me.  I had to turn the other way to avoid crying.  But it didn't work.  He asked me to dance with him (it was a slow song too!!) and I cried in his face.  I can remember him putting his arms around me and saying, "It doesn't matter if you're crying" and "don't be embarrassed".  All I could do was look at him and say, "Oh Paul, I can't", and I went to the toilets.  As I left I heard Karina say, "Come here", to Paul so I knew she must have said something to him.  Karina was also crying last night but I don't know why.  Anyway a few minutes after I got to the toilets Karina came down crying.  She wouldn't tell me what was wrong.  I asked her what she said to Paul but she wouldn't tell me that either.  But today I found out (Roselise spoke to Paul) that she said, "It wasn't all about you", to Paul.  I can't understand why she said that because she knew damn well it was.  Unless of course she said it because she really does like him, but who knows?
Anyway after that we tried to find Yoko & Paul because I wanted to apologize to Paul.  We found them and I couldn't face him so I spoke to Yoko.  I asked her if Paul told her what I did.  She said yes and he couldn't do anything about it, he only likes me as a friend, no more than that.  So that did it!  I've been depressed ever since.
I am very confused at the moment as to what I should do.  I don't know whether to apologize and just be friends (which would be very painful and almost impossible), or to try to forget about him (which would be impossible) or to just keep on trying and not give up (which would probably make him hate me).  So whichever decision I make, it won't be easy.  I'll probably see him at school tomorrow so I'll have to make a quick decision.  I was very tempted to ring him this morning to apologize as Mum was out, but I couldn't.  If I had have just danced with him instead of acting like a total idiot, everything would (maybe) be OK.  But nothing ever works out OK for me.  So I don't know why I ever try.  He'll never ever like me anymore than a friend so my head says give up but my heart says keep trying (as the saying goes).


I did have a temporary relief from my depression today.  I found out I got an A for my piano exam.  I didn't expect it and I'm very pleased.

27th November 1984 (Tuesday)

Today we had English, Home Ec. & Accounting exams.  I did bad in English, fairly good in Home Ec. and 'I don't know' in Accounting.  We've got Biology tomorrow and I can't be bothered studying.  I don't know anything and I'm destined to fail.  I was very worried about my exams today but they all went OK.  I woke up with a bleeding nose at 4am this morning and got another one on the way to school.  I had to get on the bus with a bleeding nose.  How embarrassing!  Anyway I think it was from the tension.

Paul did come today.  I was glad to see him again.  Yoko asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said he'd think about it.  Yoko said he doesn't like that girl (whoever she was) anymore.  Which is very good.  I'm hoping he'll be interested in me but I think it's a bit too much to expect.  Yoko and Paul were walking around the library (where we had our Accounting exam) and they saw me inside.  They were calling me but I didn't hear them so Paul came around to the doorway after Yoko said not to worry, they'd leave.  He wanted to wish me luck for my exam.  I thought that was wonderful.  And also when Roselise (another friend) was waiting for us after the exam Paul asked her if she was waiting for me.  She said yes so he said he might as well wait, too.  That's great!!  He's going to the term dance tomorrow night and he's also going to school again tomorrow.  So I really want to go to school tomorrow (apart from exams).

I've only got 2 exams left.  You beauty!!

I got a Christmas card from Leanne Session today who is an old friend from primary school who moved away.  I was shocked because I haven't heard from her for about 2 years.

26th November (Monday)

Nothing much happened today.  Our exams started.  I had Ancient History, which went pretty well and Maths, which I failed.  I really can't wait until exams are finished and I'm dying to go to the term dance.  I hate exams.  And I doubly hate studying.  Paul will be at school tomorrow and I can't wait to see him.  Yoko and I (and maybe Karina) are going to buy Paul a Christmas present.  We don't know what to get.  Yoko said she'll ask him tomorrow.  I want to get him something really special so he won't forget me.  Something so that when he sees it he'll remember me.

25th November 1985 (Sunday)

Exams are tomorrow!!  I'm getting very worried.  I have Ancient History and Maths tomorrow.  I'm not really too worried about them.  But I am about all the others.  Only 5 days left of school!  And only 3 days before I see Paul!!!  I really think I'm going to fail Biology.  I've only ever failed one exam before and that was Maths in Grade 8.  I had a terrible teacher, and I didn't try too hard either.

Nothing at all happened today.  I did everything possible to avoid studying.  I even slept for two hours to make the day go by quicker.  I played on the computer too much and after everything else, I did very little study.  I just can't be bothered doing anything.  I think it's because of Paul.

24th November 1984 (Saturday)

I finally started studying for next week's exams.  I've only studied Maths so far.

Kelly wasn't at work today so I had to work with Donna Craig.  It was her birthday (Donna's).

Paul T. came into the supermarket where I work today.  He tried to get me to go to his party again.  Shane Ludbrock (Paul's friend) also works there and he knows me.  He was doing everything he could to get me to go.  Paul must have asked him to I think.

Yoko came in and gave me a really lovely 'present'.  Two photos.  One of Christine Hart, Karina, Yoko and me at a  dance.  I think it's the best photo of me I've ever had taken.  I actually look pretty.  And the other one was (of course) a photo of Paul O'L.  I haven't stopped looking at it all day!  I showed Mum and Dad so they know I like him now.  It's not really a very good one but any picture of Paul will do me.

We went to mass at Crystal Creek tonight.  I wanted to go into town because Paul probably would've been in there.  I can't wait until Wednesday night for two reasons.  One, because our exams will be over and two, the term dance is on and I'll see and, hopefully, dance with Paul.  The last reason is the main one.  I really am dying to see him.  I hope he asks me to dance with him.  If he doesn't, I'll ask him.

I wonder how Paul T.'s party is gong?

I asked Yoko if she said anything to Paul and she did.  She said, "Do you remember what I told you on Tuesday? (about me liking Paul).  Did you say goodbye to Tara?".  That's why he saw me on the bus.  I'm  very glad Yoko said that.  It's really amazing that just because of one night I don't care about anyone else but Paul.  I feel so much in love.  When he got those awards I realized it's Paul that I love.   Not Brad or Peter or Eric or Will or Paul Drury or Adrian Jameson or David Charles or any one else.  IT'S PAUL O'LEARY!!

23rd November 1984 (Friday)

The Grade 12's last day today.  I was so sad.  I cried all day at school (because Paul was leaving).  He reminded the student body about the term dance over parade this morning and I started bawling.  I cried in Maths and Study and on the way down to the bus and on the bus and walking home.  I really am going to miss him!  He walked down to the bus with someone else this afternoon and I got very upset and started to cry.  I think he saw me and he came onto my bus just to tell me he'd still see me at dances and he's coming back to school on Tuesday.  I thought that was very considerate.  Yoko may have said something to him.  Because on the way down to the bus I said I wasn't going to write to him.  It was a selfish statement because I want him to like me and if he doesn't I get upset.  Anyway Yoko may have told him but I'm not sure, I'll have to ask her.  I've just started to cry.  I really am sure that I love Paul.  He said today that he would write one letter, photocopy it and send it to all us Aussies.  I really want a personal letter but I guess it's better than nothing.

Dancing lessons are on tonight.  Paul's not going, he's partnering Crystal.  Yoko's not going, she's at Karina's place.  Joanne's not going, she gets too bored.  And I think I'm going to be bored and upset tonight.  I hope I don't start crying because I don't want Mum & Dad to see me.  They'll think I'm stupid.

I got 14/16 for my Accounting Exam.  I found out today that for one of my Home Ec. assignments I got the highest from this and last years' classes!

Arlene gave the letter to Brad and he read it and threw it back at her.  I don't really mind because at Speech Night I realized I only like Paul.

(After dancing lessons)
Mum trimmed a little from the back of my hair tonight and I like it a lot now.

Dancing lessons were OK.  Bevan Bates was the only one I know there so I danced with him all night.  He really is hooked on Joanne.

I want to see Paul right now.  I miss him already and I only saw him 7 hours ago (that's a long time!!).  He likes someone but Yoko is the only person that knows who she is, and she won't tell me.  I know it's not me but I really wish it was.  I hope someday that I may marry Paul.   He'd be an ideal husband (for me anyway).  I want him to love me but I don't think he ever will.  I guess I can always hope.

22nd November 1984 (Thursday)

I am so happy.  Happy, happy, happy, happy.  I feel absolutely fantastic.  We just got home from Speech Night.  I received my books, "100 Favourite Cakes" & "The Radiant Princess".  At the moment I feel like a radiant princess.  Paul, of course, was also at Speech Night.  He received an award for school service.  There are five awards at the end of the night which are surprise awards.  And talk about surprise!  The first was for drama.  Karina and I were sitting together and we naturally wanted Paul to get it.  We both said, "I hope Paul gets it".  Then they announced the name: PAUL O'LEARY.  If you could have seen me I doubt if you've ever seen a more excited person (that's how I felt anyway).  They also have surprise awards for best all-round boy and girl.  And Paul got Best All-round Boy.  I got almost twice as excited as before.  I was screaming & clapping & cheering & yelling and everyone thought I was mad.  I really think I love Paul so much.  We had to wear a tie and leather shoes tonight.  When we arrived Paul said my tie wasn't good enough so he redid it for me.  It's a very trivial thing but not to me.  I loved it.  I'm so crazy about Paul but he only likes me as a friend.  I do like him more than Brad.  I don't want him to go to Japan but I also do.  He is writing to me from over there and I'm hoping it will bring us closer together.  When I talk to him at school everyone buts in but in a letter he can only talk to me and no one else.  Yoko suggested I should write and post a letter a week before he arrives in Japan because her friends did that and she really appreciated it.  So I'm hoping it will leave a good impression.  Also tonight Yoko and Paul were commenting on the beauty of girls on the stage (receiving awards).  He said Joanne was very beautiful and he also told Yoko I WAS TOO!!!!  Without Yoko even prompting him to say it.  Even if he does think I'm pretty, I would rather him like me as I like him.

Paul Drury shook my hand to congratulate me.  That was great.

Paul Teddington also came, I think to see me (?)  He was trying to get me to go to his party but I said I probably won't go.

It's hard for me to imagine that today I was more depressed than I have been for a long time.  Paul hadn't said a word to me and I was very snappy at everyone, even Karina & Yoko.  But at the Speech Night practice this afternoon I spoke to him and after that I felt great.  Paul really does control my emotions lately.  I'm sure I'm in love with him.

21st November 1984 (Wednesday)

I got a letter from Eric today.  It made my day.  He's a fantastic guy and I think I'm beginning to like him a little too much!  He's only 14.  He said he only likes Karina as a friend which is good.

Joanne & I are getting off the bus in town tomorrow morning to get a book for her for Speech Night.  We both wanted the Princess Diana book but only one was available and because I chose first I got it.  She didn't want to be by herself in town so I'm going with her to pick out a book.  Bevan Bates likes Jo now.

I heard on the news this morning about a dead body being washed up at Alexandra Headlands.  Pete goes surfing there every morning and I immediately though about him.  He did see it.  Aunty Maureen rang Aunty Kaye and told her.  Poor Peter, how gross!

I got Yoko to tell Paul I liked him today.  He said he likes me as a friend and with only 2 days of school left what is he expected to do.  I only saw him for a moment because he had exams all day.  So I'll know more tomorrow.

We had an Accounting exam today.  It was OK.

Now Nick Saxby, Wayne Long and Bevan Bates (David Charles' friends) think I like David.  They keep stirring me.  I don't really mind just so long as they don't go overboard.

I wrote to Brad asking him to go to the term dance.

20th November 1984 (Tuesday)

One of my folders was stolen today.  It had 3 subjects in it and my exams are next week.  I just hope someone will recover it for me or I might fail all three exams.  I have an Accounting theory exam tomorrow which needs heaps of study.  There's so much to learn!

Paul seems to have changed around me.  I think it's because it's become too apparent that I like him.  He's not interested so he's backing off.  I really like him so much.  I wish someday a guy who I like will like me too but that seems such a long way off at the moment.  I told Arlene to tell Brad to come to the term dance.  He's not supposed to because he has left school but other kids get in so I hope he comes.  I can't wait to see him again.

My friend Janine Steele used to go with this guy David Charles.  Lately I've been telling Janine and her friends that I'm interested in David.  I always do those kind of things in the hope that they may mention it to him and he might like me.  It's a dumb thing to do I know but sometimes all I want is a boyfriend no matter who he is (except Paul T).  It's really stupid but it never works so who cares.  If the guy did (for some reason (?)) like me I'd probably turn him down anyway.  That's what happened with Wendel French.  I led him on (slightly) and he became interested.  I only did it because I badly needed attention from some guy.  I got it and it made me feel good.  But I didn't want anything more than attention from him.  It really was a cruel thing to do because I kept leading him on then turning off.  With Paul T it's different.  He actually likes me without me doing anything.  I couldn't believe it!  It really is sickening though.  I don't want to hurt his feelings but I feel I am already.  I'm very sarcastic to him (half jokingly, half meaningly).  He sometimes takes it as a joke but is sometimes hurt by it.  At the dance I told him he was mad (because he's funny) and he said something about acting strange because his hormones were on a high.  I'm sure that was a direct hint and I wasn't impressed.  I'm a very selfish and jealous person and sometimes I really hate myself.  Lately I've been thinking too much of myself.  I think I'm more important than most other people which is absolutely terrible (especially when I'm a nobody).  I think it's causing me to loose friends but I can't do anything about it.  I do try but I can't change.

My piano students amazingly came this afternoon.

Although I try to lead on a lot of guys I sincerely like Paul O'L and Brad.  If either of them wanted me for their girlfriend (fantastic thought) I'd gladly accept.

Kelly and I did a bit more on our radio thing today but we still haven't finished.  David Carrington (he's in our group) is really nice.

Paul Drury said something to me today.  I was stunned.  He's so!!!! cute.  I was also talking to Adrian Jameson today who is also bloody gorgeous!!!

19th November 1984 (Monday)

I felt terrible all day today.  It started just fine with an embarrassing moment with Paul.  We were on parade and I asked him what Crystal (the girl at Jamberoo) was like.  (I had previously asked Yoko but I wanted to see Paul's opinion).  Anyway he said she was very pretty and said to ask Yoko.  Then he said, "You've already asked her haven't you?"  I was stunned and answered with the truth.  He must think I'm a total idiot.  I felt really sick of him today.  He's getting on my nerves.  (I only say that when I don't get the attention I want).

We have to tape a 15min radio program for English which was supposed to be handed in on Friday.  We still haven't finished and we've got the strictest teacher in the school.  He'll kill us tomorrow.

I did have a tiny, weeny, little bit of excitement today.  I thought it was a big thing but it was a "wow" to everyone else.  Paul Drury (the most popular guy at school) scared me today.  He jumped out in front of me as he was walking past and gave me a heart attack, but I loved it.  I sort of know him.  He's so cute!!

Yoko is also making me sick.  Every time she's needed for school work and can't be found she's always talking to Paul.  She's always late to class because she's talking to him.  They always just leave without telling me or Karina where they're going.  It drives us crazy.  Sometimes I feel like Paul and I are so close.  I've only known him really well for a few months and I feel I could tell him anything.  But not lately.  He's too busy with Yoko!

18th November 1984 (Sunday)

I did absolutely nothing today, which was stupid.  My school exams are coming up next week and I need to do a great deal of study if I plan to pass.  I'm also a long way behind with my Maths homework.

Karina rang me this morning at 9:15 and I was still asleep.  She rang to tell me she got a letter from Eric.  I'm happy for her because she likes Eric quite a lot.  She also asked my how my piano exam went.  I can't wait to get the results back even though I'm sure they'll disappoint me.  Grandma also rang to see how I got on.  So many people asked me how I went at the dance last night.  I was amazed!  They all knew because Mum told them about it when she tried to get me to play for them.  I can't wait to see Paul O'L tomorrow.  He went to the Jamberoo dance and was going to meet his cousin's best friend there.  He's partnering her for their school formal.  I hope she wasn't too nice.

I don't know when I'll see Brad again.  I hope it's soon.  I wish he was interested in me.  He likes Sandy Barry who is one or two years older than him  His birthday is the 26th May.  This year, on that day, I had a very strange feeling all day.  When I saw the date on the calendar it seemed to be a very special date for some reason.  I found out later that it's Brad's birth date.  I'm not sure if that's the 'special thing' or not.  It seemed to be something of the future, like my wedding day or something.

The only constructive thing I did today was mow the lawn (in my togs of course).  I need a tan desperately!

17th November (Saturday)

It's Uncle Frank's birthday today and it was announced at the dance tonight.

I went to the dance not knowing if any of my friends were going.  But Joanne went which was good.  Paul T also went and I'm pretty sure he's interested in me.  I wish he wasn't because I get annoyed when someone I like as a friend likes me more.  He invited me to his party next Saturday but I don't think I'll go because exams are that week.  Mark Windsor was also there and he's a pretty good bloke.  I had a few dances with him.  I had a lot of dances tonight.  All of a sudden I've sort of become popular (a bit) and it's a really good feeling.  Paul O'L wasn't there because he went to the Jamberoo dance.  Brad didn't go either.  That was a bit disappointing.

My piano exam was today.  I was very nervous and mucked everything up.  I didn't do my best and I'm sure I'll only get a B (if I'm lucky).  That's disappointing because in my last 3 exams (and my only exams) I achieved an A in all of them.  The piano was the most beautiful sounding instrument I've ever heard.  I felt really important playing such a beautiful sound.  I had a choice of an upright or baby grand.  I chose the upright.  I would have loved to have played the baby grand but because I've never played one before I was a bit apprehensive.

16th November 1984 (Friday)

(Morning)
I wasn't able to write yesterday because I didn't sleep in my room.  It was finally painted and I really like it!

My piano exam is on tomorrow and I'm getting nervous already.

Yesterday I wrote a letter to Paul.  It was supposed to be taken as a joke but (my luck) he didn't.  Karina rang me last night and said he wasn't very pleased about it.  I'm not going to be able to face him today.  I'll be so embarrassed.

Eric and Pete's letters were posted yesterday.

(Night)
We had everyone up here after dancing lessons tonight which was really good.  Most of the same people came apart from Monica Hadley (didn't come) and 3 Zimmermanns and Paul O'L came.  I'm so glad Paul came but he didn't pay me the attention I need.  I really like him a lot.  Paul T also came and I think he still likes me.  Paul O'L drove me up here and boy is he reckless.  I think he was showing off more than anything.  He didn't go to school today.  Although he did thank me for the letter tonight.  He wasn't unimpressed, he thought it was OK.

My piano exam is tomorrow and I'm packing death.  Mum tried to make me play in front of everyone tonight but I wouldn't.  It was good though because it gave me attention and I love being the centre of attention.

14th November 1984 (Wednesday)

It's Geoff's and Nan's birthday today.  We had a little party for them tonight.

I wrote back to Eric tonight and I also wrote to Will.  I didn't write the nasty one.  Instead I wrote apologizing for offending him (whatever I said?)

I was talking to Arlene today and I'm positive Brad doesn't give a damn about me.  Why should he anyway.  I'm only a nobody.

Yoko and Paul were making me sick today.  They were talking about Japanese money and once they start with anything about Japan nobody else exists.  They completely ignore everyone.

Aunty Kaye (Peter's aunty, too) came over for the party tonight and I asked her if she knew Peter was writing to Joanne.  She said, "Yes, and I also know someone else who's writing to him."  I nearly died.  Aunty Maureen (Pete's mum) rang Aunty Kaye and happened to mention it.  She thought the letter was very funny though, which was good.

13th November 1984 (Tuesday)

8.00am
I don't believe my mother.  I told her that I'd get Karina to post my letter to Ann because I haven't quite finished it yet and Mum is going to town today.  And she had the nerve to ask me if I was writing sensible things, not about boys.  I can't stand her, she makes me sick!  She took the liberty of reading my letter from Ann yesterday without asking.  Ann's letter was all about boys of course which Mum thinks is absolutely terrible.  She's an idiot!!  I'm sixteen and she's still on to me about boys.  Incredible!

(Night)
Mum got her just desserts this afternoon.  Eric wrote to me and I hid the letter.  She was looking everywhere for it but I wouldn't tell her where it was.  He wrote a nice letter.  Very funny.  Will also wrote one to me.  It was very nasty so I'll write one back just as bad to him.
I had a talk to that Grade 8 girl today and she went crying to Paul.  Anyway what she told Paul was a pack of lies and Paul's not angry with me.
I hope Eric writes to me again.  He's great.

12th November 1984 (Monday)

It's only 7:57am.  I'm writing because last night I dreamt he was at the dance.  I wish it was true.  I like Paul and Brad but sometimes I like Brad much better than Paul (that's now) and I never like Paul better than Brad.  So that must mean I like Brad the best.

(Night)
I got 3 lots of results back today.  My Home Ec. field trip results were 22/30, Home Ec. assignment 24 1/2 / 27 and for my English speech I only got 5 1/2 / 10.  Very poor effort!
Karina would have seen Brad tonight and I can't wait until tomorrow to find out if he said anything about me.
Paul didn't say one word to me today until I asked him why on the way down to the bus stop.  He just said he didn't see me and he apologized.  I don't think he meant it though.  That Grade 8 girl that likes him is going to be in big trouble when I see her tomorrow.  Paul did take her home from the Blue Light disco on Friday night and she's done nothing but insult him all day.  She told him straight to his face she hates him.  I couldn't believe it.
I got a letter from Ann today which was really great!  I love getting letters from her.  The funny thing is that's the second letter of mine that has crossed in two weeks.  First Peter's and now Ann's.  She probably won't get mine until Thursday.  Anyway I wrote to her again this afternoon.  She should be surprised.  I didn't write to her for 2 months then I write her 2 letters in 2 weeks.  I'm really into writing letters lately.  I used to hate it but ever since I started this diary, I love writing letters.
We had to choose our books for speech night today.  We were allowed $12 worth.  I chose a cook book on cakes worth $4.99 and a Princess Diana book worth $6.99.  It's really lovely.  So I spent $11.98.  Two cents under, but I couldn't find a book worth 2c.

11th November 1984 (Sunday)

Reading through yesterday's entry, I think I was too hard on Paul T.  I don't know why I said such awful things about him.  He's a terrific guy and I would probably like him if I didn't like two other guys.
Today was very boring!  I was hoping Karina would ring but she didn't.  I was also hoping Brad would ring but that was stupid.  I'm positive he's not one bit interested.  I really wish he was.  Every time I think about him I get a deep ache in my heart.  I'm dying to see him again.  He's so tall and has really broad shoulders and he's really cute.
I was sun baking again and I got very burnt today, much worse than yesterday.  I hope it goes brown though.  I love being brown.
Mum and Dad are out tonight.  They went to some meeting down at the coast.  I seriously thought about ringing Karina or Brad.  But I've been ringing Karina too often lately and I'm too chicken to ring Brad.
I can't wait until next weekend.  There's a dance on at Tooradin (the excitement of my life always happens at Tooradin) and Brad is going - I think (?).  I hope he does!!
My piano exam is also next weekend and I'm not looking forward to that.  My school exams are also coming up in two weeks and I haven't started studying yet!  I've been spending almost all day doing my Home Ec. assignment which is due tomorrow.  I got it finished but I don't think it's very good.  The best part about assignments is getting back the results (if they're good).

10th November 1984 (Saturday)

Paul T. did come and see me at work this morning.  I'm pretty sure he really likes me because he rang up this afternoon asking me to go to the Ridgehaven bush dance with him.  I didn't really want to go with him, just the two of us on our own.  I like him, but no more than a friend.  He's not very good looking, he wears glasses and he's a bit of a dag.  Mum said I couldn't go (the first time I've been glad of that!).

I saw Paul O'L. at mass in town tonight.  I had a few words with him but I'm sure he's getting sick of me hanging around.  He's very polite and stays to talk to me but I can see in his eyes that I annoy him.

I rang Karina after Paul T. rang me.  I had to tell someone.  I started to cry after he rang me.  I like two guys.  One is not the slightest bit interested in me, the other one is (as far as I know) and now I've got another guy who likes me that I'm not the slightest bit interested in.  Who wouldn't cry with that confusion?  Anyway I rang Karina for some comforting words.

She didn't see Brad today.  She said they've gone away for the weekend.  I'm beginning to think he'll never ring, and I'm seriously starting to doubt he's even interested in me.  At the moment Brad is coming out on top.  I can't wait to see him again.  He is so nice.  He's got a great sense of humour, which I love.

The guys I like never like me, and the ones that do like me I don't particularly want to get involved with.  That's the story of my life.  If Brad likes me it will be the first time someone likes me who I like as well.

Melissa and I were sun baking on the trampoline in our togs today.  My back got terribly burnt.  It was very hot today.

Yoko and Paul O'L. are confusing me.  Yoko says she only likes Paul as a friend.  (If she has an Australian boyfriend she will be sent back to Japan).  But I think they're much closer than anyone knows about.  They were holding hands last night and I was almost burning up with jealousy.  If they like each other why don't they admit it instead of denying it.

Karina said she might ring me tomorrow.  I hope she does.  I want to see if she thinks I should ring Brad.

(Anyone who can follow today's entry is a genius.  I've never been able to put things in order.)

9th November 1984 (Friday)

Arlene didn't see Brad again last night and we were away all night tonight so I don't know if he rang or not.  Karina will probably see him tomorrow so she'll say something if she does.
I'm liking Paul more and more.  A grade 8 girl is trying to con onto him.  She's got no chance.  Not that I have but I think I've got more chance than she has.
Paul was at the dancing lessons tonight and I've never seen him look more gorgeous.  He had fantastic clothes on and I loved them.  He is an unreal bloke.  I'm so confused between him and Brad.
After the dancing lessons Yoko, the Johnsons, Paul Teddington, Steven Fletcher, Scott Henry, Mark Windsor and Monica Hadley came up to Aunty Kaye's for supper.  I think Paul T. likes me but I'm not sure.  Aunty Kaye told him to escort me home afterwards and he did.  He's very nice (but only as a friend).  He said he might come and see me at work tomorrow.
I got 12 1/2 / 15 for my Ancient History exam.  I said it was a cinch.

8th November 1984 (Thursday)

Joanne didn't get an academic proficiency award.  They were only for people who didn't receive subject prizes.
The letters to Peter and Eric were finally posted today.  So they should get them tomorrow or Monday.
Paul didn't talk to us very much today.  He's avoiding us for some reason.  Yoko is too.  I'm really worried about her.  She's not her normal, happy self.  Something seems to be troubling her but she won't let anyone know what it is.
My piano lesson went for 2 hours this afternoon!  My back was aching by the end.
Arlene didn't see Brad last night so she couldn't give him the message.  She probably told him tonight.  I didn't get a phone call anyway.  I'm sure he won't ring, I don't know why he should.

7th November 1984 (Wednesday)

I didn't give the letter to Arlene (Brad's sister) to give to Brad.  Karina just told her to tell him to ring me up or she'd give him an abusive phone call.  I'm sure he won't ring, he didn't tonight anyway.
Karina and I wrote a letter to Paul today.  It was a really soppy one.  He knew it was from us because he was there when we wrote it.  He reckoned he was going to frame it and Karina said he better because it was probably the only one he'd get.  He took it all as a joke, which it was, but it was also true.  He's so proud of it and said he'd pass it around the bus.
I started my Home Ec. assignment tonight which is due in on Friday.  I skipped my piano practice which was stupid.  I've only got 1 1/2 weeks 'til my exam.
Our Speech Night is coming up in 2 1/2 weeks.  The results came out today and I got an Academic Proficiency award, with 72.6%.  Nine Grade 11's got the same award and mine is the second lowest.  But I shouldn't complain.  I'm 8th out of about 100 Grade 11's.  Karina also got one, she got 81.7% - the third highest.  This is the fourth Speech Night prize I've received.  I've got one every year.  In Grades 8, 9 & 10 I received class prize and this year, Academic Proficiency.  Geoff didn't get an award this year.  Grade 8 was the only year he got one.  He missed out in Grade 9 and again this year.  It upsets me to know I receive a prize and he misses out.  He really is capable of the prizes but he doesn't put enough time into his study.
We got our Biology camp assignments back today and I only got 9/15.  I can't understand how I was 8th as I haven't been doing all that well this year.
Joanne Willett is Junior Dux of the school and my cousin Mason Benning is Dux.  Joanne didn't go to school today so I rang her to give her the good news.  She was very surprised.  Along with Junior Dux she also got four subject prizes, Geography, Advanced Maths, Typing and Business Principles.  She may have got an Academic Proficiency too but I'm not sure.

6th November 1984 (Tuesday)

I found out the best thing today.  Brad likes ME!!!!!!  Karina told me at school today and I was so happy!  She saw Brad at squash last night and told him I was going to write him another letter (just to see his reaction).  She said he got all excited and couldn't wait to get the letter.  But the hard task came - writing the letter.  I had to be so careful to say the right thing.  I don't want to lose him.  I wish he'd call me, it's much easier to talk to him than write a letter.  Brad is the first guy who's actually been interested in me.  (Apart from Wendel French who is in the lowest social class of Bodallin, which is very low.  That was embarrassing more than anything!)  I like Brad so much and I really want him to like me, too.  After he receives my letter (which was so dumb) he'll probably lose all interest and hurt me, like every other guy I've liked.  Paul didn't talk to me much again today but he was very busy all day anyway.  He was standing very close to me on parade this morning and kept touching me.  I nearly cried because I'd just found out about Brad.  A friend, Stephanie deLuca, gave me good advice today: "Just flirt with both of them and go with whoever asks you first."
My piano students didn't come of course.  They didn't even call us this time.  They really amaze me.  I've never met more unreliable people before.
Today my Home Ec. teacher told me that she has an Aunty Thera in Greece and she always goes to call me Thera instead of Tara.  I thought that was pretty funny.  Mrs Brand (my Home Ec. teacher) is unreal.  She's the best teacher I've ever had (at high school).

5th November 1984 (Monday)

I couldn't write in my diary last night because we were in the dark.  We had a storm which cut our electricity.
I finally wrote to Ann yesterday.  It's amazing.
Joanne got a letter from Peter on Friday afternoon and my letter was posted Friday morning.  How embarrassing!  I'll have to write again but I don't know what to say.
It was Kevin's birthday yesterday.  He is Dad's brother and lives next door with Nan.
I've got an Ancient History exam today.  I forgot all about it, but Kelly rang me up last night and reminded me (thank goodness!)
I can't stop thinking about Brad and Paul.  I think I like Brad better.  I definitely would if I knew he liked me.  Eric kept telling me he's interested but I shouldn't believe Eric.  He's always kidding around.  Eric said I've got 100% better chance than Karina and he said Brad hates Karina.  I don't believe that, no matter how much I'd like to.  I'll probably see Paul at school today and like him again.  I don't know when I'll see Brad again, but I can't wait.  I might write to him.  Karina and I (mainly me) wrote a letter to him from "a secret admirer".  It wasn't supposed to be from any real person but because I wrote it and I like him, it was kind of from me.  Karina wrote up the good copy and posted it.  Anyway, Brad thinks I wrote it and no one can convince him I didn't.  It doesn't worry me just as long as he liked the letter.  (This all happened about 2 weeks ago.)

(Night)
I was wrong about Paul.  He didn't say anything to me today!  I was disappointed but then I wasn't too (?).  I still don't know who I like the best.
Will Roley came up to the school today and came home on our bus.  He's only 15 but I used to like him very much.  He's so gorgeous!!!  I met him at a Tooradin Dance.  I wrote to him (he goes to Ashgrove boarding school) and he wrote back but after my second letter I didn't receive a reply so I gave up.  He and Eric are good friends - they go to the same school.
I wrote to Eric today.  I hope he writes back and tells me all about Brad.  I also wrote to Peter to apologize.  Aren't I marvellous?  Three letters in two days. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.
My room still isn't painted.  The Ancient History exam was a cinch and I only read the notes once, but it was just a document study and they're easy.

3rd November 1984 (Saturday)

Work was boring as usual, and it's 'that time of the month' so I felt terribly ill.  Standing for 4 hours didn't help much either.  I work in the deli of the supermarket in town (Bodallin) on Saturday mornings.
I'm actually writing this on the 4th at 1AM!  We just got home from the Tooradin Dance and I've never had a more terrific time in my life!!!  Paul went BUT so did Brad Street.  He's unreal!!  I honestly don't know who I like best.  Eric Street (Brad's cousin) reckons he's going to set up me and Brad (I don't mind).
I better turn off the light, my sister is whinging.

2nd November 1984 (Friday)

My piano exam is only 2 weeks away!!  I'm going to have a nervous breakdown!  There's no way I can have my pieces ready by then (even if I have been practising them all year).
My room should be getting painted in about a week.  The painters are here but they're doing outside our house and Nan's house first.  I did the saddest thing I've ever done on Wednesday night.  I had to take down all my Scott Baio and Joey Perrone pictures from my wall!!  How depressing.
Anyway, onto the excitement of the day (night actually).  I just got back from dancing lessons up at the Tooradin Hall.  Paul said he might go but he didn't think he could get there.  But surprise, surprise, guess who was there when I walked in?  PAUL!!!  I thought even if he did go he would dance with Yoko all the time (she went, too).  But he danced with me about half the time!  He is SO nice.  There's a Tooradin Dance on tomorrow night and he thinks he is coming.  I hope he does.
I better go to sleep now.  It's 10:30 and I have to work in the morning.

31st October 1984 (Wednesday)

Paul made me look like an idiot today.  He hit me on the backside and put a sticker there.  I didn't know and everyone was laughing at me.
I've been hacking away at my hair again and made a real mess.  I'm trying to grow it somehow but I don't think I know yet.  I might go to Stefan in the holidays.  Only 4 weeks left.  I can't wait for the holidays.  I need a complete break from everything.  I'm glad I live on a farm.  I don't have to see my friends as much during the holidays.  Not that I don't like them, but by the end of the year I kind of get sick of them and snap at them a lot.
I wrote to Peter today.  He hadn't written to Joanne (my friend since primary school and is a year below me in school) for three weeks.  So I wrote a really stupid letter asking him why.  I thought it was pretty funny.  I hope he does too because I really like him (as well as Paul).  Peter is my Uncle Frank's wife's nephew and seeing as my Aunty & Uncle live next door I see him every holidays.  But he likes my friend Joanne who lives down the road.  I can easily understand it.  She really is beautiful and she's so nice!  He should be coming down after Christmas so I can't wait to see him.

30th October 1984 (Tuesday)

(Night)
I cut Debbie's hair tonight (she's our farm hand and stays with Aunty Kaye & Uncle Frank).  So far I've cut my hair, Melissa's (my sister), Geoff's (my brother), Aunty Kaye's, Aunty Coralie's, Natasha's (my cousin), Melissa's friend Emma's, Yoko's and now Debbie's.  I want to be a hairdresser when I leave school.
My piano students didn't come again this afternoon.  I started teaching them about three months ago.  They are supposed to come every week but they come about every month.  They started coming on Saturday afternoons, changed it to Fridays and last week changed it to Tuesdays, but they didn't come anyway.  When and if they come it's always at least half an hour late.  (Maybe this should be called my gripes book instead of my diary!)

30th October 1984 (Tuesday)

(Afternoon)
I am the biggest fool I know.  I'm so stupid, so dense, so thick.  I AM AN IDIOT!!  Of course, Paul doesn't like me.  I don't know why I thought he should.  I'm not exactly Miss Universe.  "He likes me as a friend".  Wow!  Big Deal!  No one ever likes me but I always have to believe they do.  Paul's too good for me!  Why would he ever like a creep like me?  I must have been so stupid to believe anyone as good as him would like ME!  All a guy has to do is look at me and I think he's interested.  I hate myself!!  I'm an idiot!

30th October 1984 (Tuesday)

I've got about 10 minutes before I leave to go to school.  Yesterday I had to do my English speech, first!!  I get so nervous!  I didn't get my Biology camp assignment done for yesterday, so I'll hand it in today (and lose marks).  Paul was away yesterday.  Now my best friend Karina likes him too.  There's going to be an argument soon!  Better go to school.

28th October 1984 (Sunday)

I found this old book in my desk and decided to keep it as my diary. It is now two days after my sixteenth birthday. So far I feel no difference between fifteen and sixteen. I locked myself in my room last night and ate no dinner. I was dying to go to the Woodvale dance, but as usual, I was not allowed to go. I was so angry with Mum that I threw her ashtray out the window and threw my watch on the floor and broke it. The reason I was so desperate to go to the dance is because Paul O'Leary was going. I like him so much! My friend Karina Neumann was also going and she also likes Paul. I think Paul likes me, but I'm not sure. He talks to me a lot at school and helps me with my homework. But I always make a big deal out of nothing. I've never had a boyfriend. ("Sweet sixteen and never been kissed" goes for me). Our senior formal was on my birthday. My first formal. It was OK I guess, but of course Paul made it terrific. I was half expecting some announcement for my birthday, but a nobody like me? I must be mad. Paul goes to Japan next year as an exchange student. I will miss him. At the moment I'm great friends with our Japanese exchange student, Yoko Takahashi. But if she gets any closer to 'my' Paul, it may not last much longer. The American exchangee, Ann Hudson, and I were great friends, too. I should be writing to her as I received a letter from her two months ago and still haven't replied. My cousins, Owen and Trent, are up for the weekend. We're having Kevin's (Dad's brother) birthday lunch today. I suppose they will sing happy birthday to me, too. I've got so many assignments in Grade 11, it's not funny. I have to do my Biology camp assignment for tomorrow and of course I haven't started yet. Better get to it right away.