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Sunday, November 29, 2009

29th November 1984 (Thursday)

Last night I was much too upset to write in this diary.  The term dance, which I was so looking forward to, turned out to be a total disaster.  I was supposed to be selling drinks with Paul and Yoko (they both knew) and they went in without telling me.  That started the night just fine!  I got very annoyed at that.
And then, Yoko and Paul started dancing very close.  I got twice as angry and felt like going home.  Instead, I dragged Yoko away from Paul and said, "Do you really expect people to think you and Paul aren't going together?"  It was an absolutely terrible and mean thing to do.  It was totally an action of jealousy.  And if Paul wasn't angry with me already for telling him he should have told me about the drinks, he certainly was then.  He hardly said anything to me.
Then the breakdancing session came on and Paul did the best out of everyone.  I told him I thought it was good but he said as little as possible to me then walked away.  After these disasters what more could go wrong?  EVERYTHING!!!!!
I apologized to Yoko but didn't get the chance to apologize to Paul.  He started dancing with all the girls and meanwhile Tara was getting jealous and more jealous.  I was upset more than angry, so I sat in the supper room with Roselise and her boyfriend Paul Gordon.  Anyway Paul G asked me something about Paul O'L and I almost started crying.  Then he asked me if I'd danced with him yet and I really let go.  Paul G went to find Paul O'L to tell him I was crying.  So sweet, considerate, lovely, darling Paul O'L went looking for me (out of a feeling of necessity no doubt).  Anyway he was asking everyone where I was.  And then, he found me.  I had to turn the other way to avoid crying.  But it didn't work.  He asked me to dance with him (it was a slow song too!!) and I cried in his face.  I can remember him putting his arms around me and saying, "It doesn't matter if you're crying" and "don't be embarrassed".  All I could do was look at him and say, "Oh Paul, I can't", and I went to the toilets.  As I left I heard Karina say, "Come here", to Paul so I knew she must have said something to him.  Karina was also crying last night but I don't know why.  Anyway a few minutes after I got to the toilets Karina came down crying.  She wouldn't tell me what was wrong.  I asked her what she said to Paul but she wouldn't tell me that either.  But today I found out (Roselise spoke to Paul) that she said, "It wasn't all about you", to Paul.  I can't understand why she said that because she knew damn well it was.  Unless of course she said it because she really does like him, but who knows?
Anyway after that we tried to find Yoko & Paul because I wanted to apologize to Paul.  We found them and I couldn't face him so I spoke to Yoko.  I asked her if Paul told her what I did.  She said yes and he couldn't do anything about it, he only likes me as a friend, no more than that.  So that did it!  I've been depressed ever since.
I am very confused at the moment as to what I should do.  I don't know whether to apologize and just be friends (which would be very painful and almost impossible), or to try to forget about him (which would be impossible) or to just keep on trying and not give up (which would probably make him hate me).  So whichever decision I make, it won't be easy.  I'll probably see him at school tomorrow so I'll have to make a quick decision.  I was very tempted to ring him this morning to apologize as Mum was out, but I couldn't.  If I had have just danced with him instead of acting like a total idiot, everything would (maybe) be OK.  But nothing ever works out OK for me.  So I don't know why I ever try.  He'll never ever like me anymore than a friend so my head says give up but my heart says keep trying (as the saying goes).

I did have a temporary relief from my depression today.  I found out I got an A for my piano exam.  I didn't expect it and I'm very pleased.

1 comment:

  1. I almost spat my peppermint tea out when I read the break dancing part of the night.... I had all but forgotten about that happening at dances!
    Our poor teenage nobody, if only she knew how many other girls were going through the same angst... makes me so happy that is all behind me now!