16th January 1985 (Wednesday)

I rang Karina today and Arlene was there, too.  Karina is going out to Brad's place tonight to watch a video.  She's so lucky!  I wish I saw him as much as she does.  We talked about deb partners and I told her I wanted Brad but so does she.  I feel like asking him at the dance this weekend but I'd have to ask Karina if she minded and she would so I won't get to ask him.

I changed my hair today.  I brushed it over to the side.  I like it and Melissa said she likes it better but I don't know whether to keep it like this or not.  Brad might not like it and that's really my only concern.  Everything about Brad is confusing me.  The more I think about it the more confused I get.  I wonder if Brad will ever like me and I think about both answers but I can't come up with a conclusion.  Sometimes I wonder why I like him at all, I hardly know him.  It seems like all my depression is for nothing.  But I do like him.  I can't help it.  I wonder what he's doing now.  I wonder what Karina is doing.  She's probably glad to be near him but upset that he's not treating her the way she wants him to.  That's how I feel whenever I'm with him.  It's the fact that he's so close yet unobtainable that depresses me.  I feel like he's torturing me.  I hate it and I wish he meant nothing to me then I wouldn't be hurting like I am now.  I'm sure he'll be the same at the dance but there is that slight chance.  I hope Eric goes.  He pushes Brad along a bit.  I just hope he doesn't push too hard or my chance will be no chance.