13th April 1985 (Saturday)

Kelly was at work this morning and (amazingly) feeling fine.  She said she was a good girl and didn't drink much last night.

Today we were a tourist attraction.  (Not really but it sounds good).  Aunty Marie and Uncle Warren (who drives a bus for a tour company) brought a bus load to tour the farm.  It's so exciting when there's a bus load of over 80's or under 10's!  I've always dreamt about people coming and 'touring' the farm and now it's really happened.

Tonight was the biggest disaster.  Honestly, I can't understand why I go out at all.  I've written about so many disasters in my diary that anyone would think I should have learned a lesson by now.  I wish I'd just be sensible and STAY HOME!!  Of course I'm talking about Jo's brother Steven's party.  At first I thought it would be pretty good because Jo and I are 'good friends' (supposedly).  But then I found out Kate was going also.  I thought that wouldn't be too bad because Jo, Kate and I get along OK.  So I thought I wouldn't get left out too much.  BUT, I was wrong!!  Half the time I may as well have not even been there.  And to make it worse Kate was staying at Joanne's place, which makes them forget about me.  I felt so terrible.  I tried following them around for awhile, but that didn't work.  They kept getting drinks and didn't even ask if I'd like one.  But I guess they thought "daggy, goody-goody" Tara wouldn't want any.  So I ended up going inside and watching "Hey, Hey It's Saturday" until 12 o'clock.  Then we (me & Melissa) went back out to find them all raging away.  They were all dancing and having a great time.  And I just felt even more left out.  So I went to the car.  But my favourite song came on and so I decided to go back and join them.  Karen (a hairdresser who is a year older than me and used to go on our bus) made me feel just great!  She came up to me and put her arm around me and said, "C'mon, what's your name?" and had to ask Joanne what my name was.  Well, if I didn't already feel like a nobody!!  Who am I anyway?  What am I doing here?  I don't even know what I want, or what I should be doing, or wearing, or saying, or anything!  Everyone was so trendy tonight apart from daggy old me.  But Mum thinks I'm over fashionable! That's a laugh.  I don't know what to do.  What Mum says or follow my friends!?!  I don't even know if I want to be like them.  But I feel awful if I'm not.  All I want is to be like everyone else and for everyone to know me and like me.  But I'm only Tara Benning, a nobody.  What am I supposed to do?  I'm so confused!!  Who am I!  I don't know who I am!