27th March 1985 (Wednesday)

Today was a total disaster.  The two things I wanted so badly were both just dreams of an unimportant person trying to think big.  What made me think I'd ever get the school captain or a lead in the musical?  I must be blind, dumb & stupid.  I was called to see our music teacher, Mr Woodworth, at morning tea from parade this morning.  There were 7 of us called.  I was hoping it would be because we were being given main roles.  I was partly right but mostly wrong.  We had to read lines from the play and our teacher gave about 3 parts to some girls but nothing to me.  I was feeling worse & worse until he said he had 3 he wanted for the main role.  I was one!!!  The other two were Jenny Johnson & Marion Rigby.  He made us read and sing and read again and he still couldn't decide.  I went through sport feeling ecstatic because I thought for some stupid reason that I had the part.  But at lunch Roselise went to see Mr Woodworth to ask what it was he said he had in mind for her.  She got a minor role but a good one.  She's a sophisticated secretary and she sings a solo! (Everyone knows she has a horrible voice).  Karina also got a role and she asked to be taken off the list.  She doesn't have a speaking role but it's better than only a chorus part.  And Mr Woodworth had a part for me as well.  He asked me to play the DOG!!  Everything just suddenly didn't matter after that.  All my hopes were shattered.  My heart seemed to break into a million pieces.  The disappointment on my face must have been obvious but I couldn't hide it.  I didn't get the lead, not because I wasn't good enough, but because I didn't suit the part.  I suppose he thinks I'd be a terrific dog!  He said he wanted the dog to be a back-up harmony singer and my voice was good so he wanted me to do that.  I told him I didn't really want to so he said he'd try to find something else for me.  In other words I'll be stuck with a crumby chorus part.  I think that's so unfair.  If I was good enough for a main role he should be able to find SOMETHING more than just a chorus role.  No one seems to understand just how important this was to me.  It was my only chance to be someone.  But I guess I'll just have to go through my whole life being a "nobody"!  I want to be important, well known, and most of all famous.  I realize famous is a bit too much to expect.  I'd like to do a TV commercial or something like that.  I'd absolutely love to be an actress on TV or theatre.  But no one knows that.  My friends knew I badly wanted the part but I think Joanne was a bit shocked when I cried on the bus.  She was good about it but I don't think she fully understands.  Karina certainly doesn't.  She wasn't even talking to me.  She tried to make me take the part of the dog but I wouldn't.  I wouldn't be surprised if she went home and told her mum I was an ungrateful bitch (in those words).  I just wish people would understand me.